<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Serendipity and Intention (one to begin it all, and one to keep it all going) by midnightchocolate</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110523">Serendipity and Intention (one to begin it all, and one to keep it all going)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightchocolate/pseuds/midnightchocolate'>midnightchocolate</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, F/F, Friends to Lovers, I've never done this before so wish me luck, New York City, What's up - Freeform, When Harry Met Sally - Freeform, but definitely focusing on emotional relationship, but it's all one cohesive story, if you haven't it'll be cool too probably, if you've seen the movie when harry met sally this will make sense, it's friendship that turns into more than friendship, jamie and dani but make it more American, like...the movie, some of it basically just seems like one-shots, this is my first fanfic, woohoo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:22:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,482</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightchocolate/pseuds/midnightchocolate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dani Clayton, a polite young American who grew up sheltered and proper, and Jamie, who has had her own struggles with the law and finding her place after a rough childhood, meet up over the years in chance encounters, but part ways each time because they are not yet the people they are meant to be. Eventually, they again and find a friendship that they hadn't even realized they needed, and rely on each other for more than they realize.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dani Clayton &amp; Jamie, Hannah Grose/Owen Sharma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. When the Gardener Met the Au Pair: Third Time's the Charm?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello!! This is my first attempt at writing any fanfiction, so bear with me. I love the movie When Harry Met Sally and I really wanted to see Dani and Jamie in that sort of story. I'm open to criticism or feedback or really anything. It will seem very one-shot-y a lot of the time but it's telling the story over periods of time. This first chapter starts in 1977, goes to 1982, and then ends in 1987 (good ole 1987). I hope this is enjoyable!!! I mostly wrote this because I really wanted to just see if I could make it happen. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>==============================================</p>
<p>1977</p>
<p> The afternoon sun is still beating down on the mid-summer day when Dani Clayton pulls up to the front of a large rundown building in London, in a tiny, borrowed, banged-up light yellow VW Beetle. She pulls down her sunglasses from off the top of her head, covered in tresses of thick blonde hair. She looks around to find the person she is supposed to drive to the airport. She is heading back to America from England today, after spending a year abroad nannying for two children. Her boss, Henry Wingrave, had said an old employee was also planning on taking a flight into America, and asked if Dani would be willing to drive her to the airport. Dani had agreed-- she loved company. </p>
<p>She looked around to find the person she was supposed to drive (someone named Jamie Taylor, though she had been given almost no description otherwise). The only people on the street were two women, one of whom wore short brunette curls around her shoulders, long overalls, and a thick flannel across her shoulders despite the summer heat. This woman had her eyes locked onto another one in some sort of intense conversation. Dani drove the car forward and stopped in front of them. One of them had to be Jamie Taylor. The women continued to be in an intense conversation. She looked at the time on the clock. 1:07pm. She was already seven minutes behind schedule for getting to the airport. Dani honked her horn to get the women’s attention.</p>
<p>“What the fuck do you want?” said the brunette with the curls, whipping her head away from the other woman, crinkling her eyebrows down to look menacingly into the car.  Dani was startled by the sudden use of profanity.</p>
<p>“Uh, I’m sorry, but… are you Jamie?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’d be me.” She stared for another moment before her look softened. “Oh, you must be Dani Clayton.” She turned to the woman she was with. “Becs, this’s the girl takin’ me to the airport. Gotta run, love.” She picks up a single suitcase from the ground and looks back up at Dani. “Got a trunk?” Dani nods yes, confused by their abrupt interactions thus far. Jamie puts her belongings into the trunk of the car before bursting into the passenger seat next to Dani.</p>
<p>“Did you uh, want to say goodbye or anything?” </p>
<p>“Nah, she’ll be fine. Don’t we have a plane to catch?” Clearing her throat, Dani starts to drive. They sit in silence for a few seconds before Jamie starts to drum her hand against the window. “So you’re American, yeah?” Dani nods, not taking her eyes off the road. “What were you doin’ in England? And making acquaintance with Henry Wingrave? Au pair I take it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, for a year. I’m moving to New York City now. I’m a teacher by training. I’m originally from Iowa.” Jamie nods as if she approves of this profession for a woman she’s never met.</p>
<p>“Did you also grow up with the mum and the dad, the 2.5 kids in the house, picket fence? Do you believe in happy endings too? I can tell you believe in happy endings.” Dani doesn’t respond. Jamie sticks her hand inside her overalls pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. “Want a fag?” she asks while she pulls out a lighter and lights one for herself. </p>
<p>Dani reflexively rolls down her window. “No, thank you. Where are you from?” While at a stoplight, she glances over to get more of a good look at her new driving companion. She has a few tattoos running across her arms, some scars on her knuckles. She holds the cigarette in her hand like it belongs to her. Dani is both terrified by her and so intrigued that she can barely keep her focus on actually driving. She’s never been in such close contact with someone who seems so… alternative. Jamie catches her looking.</p>
<p>“Got the tattoos in prison. Not much to do for fun.” A small smile curls onto Jamie’s lips. “Any other questions?” </p>
<p>“No, I’m sorry, I--”</p>
<p>“It’s alright. Probably come from a different planet, really. It’s probably alien to you to see someone that doesn’t look like they could be on The Brady Bunch. You said you were an au pair, yeah? A real life Mary Poppins, eh? Look at us then. Practically perfect, and the darkest of the dark. When you’ve lived a life like mine you realize that we’re all just preparing for disappointment. You’ll realize one day, Poppins.” </p>
<p>Dani felt a bit defensive after that. “I definitely know about disappointment,” she almost whispers, though it feels much stronger in her throat. “I know about dark.” Dani thinks about her anxiety, her struggle to get through each day and look at all the bright sides. </p>
<p>“You do, yeah? Let me tell you something. It’s people. No person is worth the effort. We all die alone in the end anyway. So why try to hang on to anyone? It’s all just disappointing. People exhaust you for no reason. One day, Poppins, you’ll realize that too.”</p>
<p>“How can you enjoy your life if you always focus on death?” Dani asks, gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly. Jamie is no longer looking at her, looking ahead, smoking her cigarette and rolling down her window to dip her ashes out. <br/>
 <br/>
“I’m being realistic. People suck. They suck the life out of you. You tend to kids, yeah? I like to tend to plants. Try it out one day. They can’t run from you, can’t disappoint you, can’t lie to you. That’s what life’s about. Going back to nature. We’ll all be dirt one day anyway.” With that, she spits out the window. </p>
<p>“It’s not always disappointment. Life can be about the good things that happen, too. There is a lot of good in the world.” Dani hopes Jamie’s spit isn’t across the side of the car. “Kids start out just as innocent and good as a plant does. I know dark, I just choose to see the light.” Jamie runs her fingers through her curls as she absorbs Dani’s words.</p>
<p>“Poppins, right now there is fighting, there is lying, wars. Manipulation. People having kids for no good reason just because they accidentally made them and then neglecting them. Taking out their problems on those kids. If you don’t live life on the defense, then the world eats you up. You’re sweet, but I hope you’re not as soft as you are sweet.” Dani blushes but makes no comment. Jamie doesn’t miss a beat, however, seeming to fill any potential awkward silence. </p>
<p> “Hey, didn’t you want to get food before we get to the airport? If I have to resort to eating packaged peanuts and day-old pasta I might be sick.” </p>
<p>They stop off in a little restaurant for food. They have exactly thirty minutes allotted for a pit stop. Dani looks around her, as if scanning the room for danger. Jamie smirks and leans close to her, whispering, “they’re all potential dangers. That’s what I’ve learned.” Jamie barely needs to glance at the menu, but Dani takes her time, looking over the various items with such a concentration that it almost seems like Jamie is going to make another smart comment on it, but she doesn’t. </p>
<p>A young waitress comes over to the table. “Can I take your order?” Jamie practically slaps the menu at the woman, saying “bangers and mash. Whatever beer you got on tap. I’m starving.” </p>
<p>Dani stares at Jamie for a beat, wondering what she must have been like as a kid herself, innocent and hopeful, before whatever caused her to be so against everything around her. She looks up at the waitress and smiles apologetically. “Hi, thank you so much. Can I have a cup of coffee, if it wouldn’t be a bother, and a burger? Thank you so much. Here’s my menu.” She carefully layers her menu on top of the other menu that Jamie had not-so-delicately put into the waitress’s hands. The waitress nods and walks away. </p>
<p>“Are you always so sweet and pretty like that? To everyone?” Jamie questions, smiling again at her teasingly. Dani blushes. “So, why New York City? You got a boyfriend back home who’s been waiting for your glorious return to the States? Big plans to move in together and play house?” Jamie asks as if she’s making conversation, but she does seem genuinely curious at the same time.</p>
<p>“Not at the moment, no…” Dani replies. She feels Jamie’s eyes looking at her, and her curiosity helps to push the conversation focus away from herself. “What about you? Why America?”<br/>
 <br/>
“I need to get away from the possibility of runnin’ into people I know from before. Took the fall for something I didn’t do, was runnin’ with the wrong crowd. Went to prison for a girl that didn’t care whether I actually lived or died as long as she didn’t have to pay any consequences. Clean slate, Poppins. Probably why you came to England yourself.” </p>
<p> Dani feels her face getting hot, trying to make sense of Jamie saying she went to prison “for a girl.” Was Jamie… gay? That was totally fine. She knew about that stuff. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever met a gay person, in Iowa or England… but they were out there. And this was totally fine. It didn’t mean anything. And Jamie didn’t even necessarily say she was or wasn’t. This was totally normal. “I needed a change, I guess.”</p>
<p> “We’re both runnin’ away. We’re similar, in a way. People have probably let both of us down and here we are. It’s why people can never truly be trusted. You can only trust yourself.”</p>
<p> “That isn’t always true,” Dani says as the waitress comes back and starts to put their food orders on the table. “Thank you very much,” she says to the waitress, who tips her head as she turns around and walks back towards the kitchen. Jamie immediately starts to eat her food, and Dani thinks Jamie has forgotten their conversation.</p>
<p> “Dani, people aren’t worth it. No person is worth the effort. Everyone ends up alone.”</p>
<p> After they finish eating, Jamie insists on paying for food since Dani is driving her. They get to the airport, and board the plane. Their seats are both in economy, but nowhere near each other. Dani spends the whole flight thinking about how different Jamie is from her, and how she has both a dark, negative energy, as well as an electric, exciting one. Jamie sits on the other side of the plane, wondering about the hopeful, anxious teacher who argued back every point that Jamie had made, and how Dani herself seemed to be both full of light but full of the same darkness that had enveloped Jamie, but Dani was fighting against it and hadn’t accepted it. When they landed in New York City, they saw each other in the airport. </p>
<p> “Thanks for the ride, Poppins. Good luck. Don’t let those kids get you down.” There’s no point in pretending they’ll keep in touch or be friends. Friendships are too much, too disappointing. Especially with people as different as them. For Jamie, she sees that Dani is clearly striving for the textbook perfect life. Jamie knows that life doesn’t exist.</p>
<p> “I hope you find what you’re looking for here in America,” Dani says softly, not sure what else to say to the strange, jaded woman that she met half a day ago on the other side of the world. She’s ready to move on to other things, and people who don’t discount her world view. </p>
<p>They don’t see each other again for five years.</p>
<p>==============================================<br/>
1982</p>
<p> Jamie checks her watch. She can’t believe she’s doing this. Making a trip down to Texas of all places, because someone has a flower that she absolutely needs to have and doesn’t trust the hands of anyone but herself to bring it to New York City. She’s paying a pretty penny for it, but natural moonflowers are too tempting for her to just let pass by. These plants might just be worth that effort. She walks through JFK, the airport in a city she has now let become her home (for now) for the last five years, as she’s begun to make a living working for landscapers and florists, mostly freelance. She has her own apartment and a rooftop garden. She feels worlds away from who she was when she first came to America in the little yellow bug. </p>
<p>As she wanders through the airport to get to her gate, she thinks she sees one of her landscaping clients, a man who has her taking care of the flowers and bushes outside of his corporate building in Brooklyn. Edmund O’Mara. She decides she’s going to pretend she doesn’t see him, because he’s wrapped up in the passionate-looking embrace of a small blonde woman, their faces shoved together like North and South magnets, when Jamie realizes she might recognize the small blonde. She decides to stop and say hello.</p>
<p>“Mr. O’Mara?” she says slyly, folding her arms across her puffy jacket. “Fancy seein’ you here.”</p>
<p>Edmund pushes the blonde woman off of his face, and Jamie sees the woman’s eyes widen with recognition before trying to hide herself behind her hair and Edmund’s shoulder, looking away. </p>
<p> “Jamie, hello! Nice to see you! What brings you here? Going on vacation?”<br/>
 <br/>
 “Something like that. Business trip?” she takes a peek at Dani Clayton, who still averts her eyes and is biting her lip. </p>
<p> “No, just came to drop off my girlfriend. This is Danielle Clayton. Danielle, this is Jaie Taylor. You still only doing freelance?”</p>
<p> “Yup, I like to keep my options open and my ties… untied.” </p>
<p> “We’ll have to give you another call once the weather gets nicer, we’re hoping to plant some more colorful things this time to make clients think we have a welcoming environment or something like that.”</p>
<p> “Something like that.” With the mention of flowers, Jamie is antsy to go. “Nice to see you, and meet you,” she says, not wanting to make Dani any more uncomfortable, and leaves to go check into her gate.</p>
<p> Once she leaves, Dani turns to Edmund. “I am so glad she didn’t recognize me… I… when I came back from England five years ago I drove her to the airport. It was so… strange.”</p>
<p> “What happened? Why was it strange?”</p>
<p> “She just… put down everything I was saying and kept telling me not to trust anyone. I don’t know. She said people disappoint other people, basically without exception.”</p>
<p> “Do you believe that?”</p>
<p> “No, I don’t. It was just… it was just strange…”</p>
<p>~~~</p>
<p>Jamie sits down and closes her eyes once she settles into her seat, as other people pile in, put their luggage into the overhead compartments. The commotion stops a bit when the plane begins to rumble forward and into the sky. </p>
<p> A stewardess begins to walk down the aisle with a cart full of drinks. Jamie thought casually about whether she was in more of an alcohol mood or a tea mood. She hadn’t yet decided, when the stewardess rounded up to the row right before hers, at Jamie’s back. The person seated directly behind her began to talk to the stewardess. “Hello. Thank you so much. If it isn’t any trouble, could I just have some water? I really appreciate it.” Jamie almost laughed. She couldn’t help it now. She turned around.</p>
<p> “Just as sweet, I see.” </p>
<p> Dani’s eyes go wide as she stares at the woman seated in front of her. “Jamie.”</p>
<p> “So you go by Danielle now, do you? And how long have you been with Edmund, then? A month?” The man sitting next to Jamie gives a grunt as Jamie almost elbows him in the face in order to turn around in her seat to face Dani.</p>
<p> “Three weeks. How did you know that?”</p>
<p> “Because,” Jamie retorts, “he’s dropping you off at the airport. Dropping off at the airport is something you only do at the beginning of relationships, and it’s why I’d never do it.” She makes a motion with her hand, whipping it out to the left, to show how serious she is about “never,” and almost hits the man next to her again.</p>
<p> “Do you two want to sit together?” he sneers.</p>
<p> “No, thank you,” Dani mumbles, as Jamie replies, “yeah, why not!” He gets up and motions for Dani to occupy his new spot. </p>
<p> “So what is it you’re doing on a plane to Texas, anyway? I’m going for a rare plant. Maybe I’ll explain it to you one day. What about you?”</p>
<p> “I’m visiting a friend from high school, we lost touch years ago but she’s a teacher now in Texas and reached out to me a few years ago. There’s a teacher’s conference in Houston and she invited me to come.” Dani thinks for a moment.  “Why would you never drop someone off at the airport?”</p>
<p> “Because it means the beginning of a relationship. And relationships mean trust and dependence. Which means when they eventually end up lying and leaving, you’re left with less than you had before. Can’t do anything if it leads to a relationship.”</p>
<p> “Huh.” Dani ponders this for a minute.</p>
<p> “So how’d you meet old Edmund?”</p>
<p> “We actually met as kids, back in Iowa. We grew up together. He came to New York a few years ago to really start up his business and reached out to me. We were sort of childhood sweethearts.” Dani seems to be trying to prove a point, show just how in love and happy she is, and mildly wonders why she would have to show that off to Jamie, this woman she hardly knows and barely has anything in common with.</p>
<p> “How sweet.”</p>
<p> “I guess you still think the world is bleak?” It’s Dani’s way of trying to make sure she wins.</p>
<p> “Actually, got myself a girlfriend now. Sort of.” Dani doesn’t know why this makes her feel strange. Why it should matter that this abrasive, mysterious woman she knew for a day five years ago has any sort of romantic life. Dani also tries to hide the hotness in her face from remembering that Jamie likes girls. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Dani distracts herself by going to buckle her seatbelt, and brushing her hand across Jamie’s for a moment. It’s soft, somehow, even though Dani is sure that her hands are probably always a few inches deep into the dirt, or covered with thick scratchy gardening gloves. A thrill shoots through her. Edmund, Edmund, Edmund.</p>
<p> “You look really good,” Jamie says to her. “New York did you well.” Dani struggles to find something nice to say back.</p>
<p> “You look… tamed.” Jamie laughs.<br/>
 <br/>
 “Not even America could do that to me, Poppins.” She smiles at her for another second. “You a teacher now?”</p>
<p> Dani nods. Why are they here, having this conversation? From what Dani remembers, their entire first (and only other) interaction had been Jamie trying to prove a point and Dani not wanting to give into it. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. Yet somehow they were both intrigued enough to keep on talking. It seems. “Third grade.”</p>
<p> “Should’ve taken up plants,” Jamie says, tsking at her. “Just wait, one day, Edmund won’t come to drop you off at the airport. And you’ll say, why didn’t you drop me off like you used to? Attachment. And disappointment.” </p>
<p> Dani wonders, not for the first time, why Jamie is adamant about this. “What about your girlfriend?”<br/>
 <br/>
 “I won’t let her get too close. Not again. But I gotta let myself live a little, you know? Have some fun while I still can. Before I get too old and brittle and my plants have to take care of themselves. Sometimes keeping people around is just for the company. It’s different from companionship. It’s just someone around.”</p>
<p> It’s sad, Dani thinks to herself. That way of living.</p>
<p> Jamie looks at Dani, at this confused woman who seems hopeful about a relationship that is doomed to fail. It’s sad, Jamie thinks to herself. That way of living.</p>
<p>They talk the rest of the flight, sometimes about their life philosophies, sometimes about Edmund. Sometimes about England. Sometimes they sleep (mostly Jamie). Dani usually didn’t find herself talking so openly about herself to most people. She felt strongly in her opinions and would call out anyone who ever tried to do her wrong, but when it came to her own life and choices she usually held back a little more. She felt a strange tingly, fluttery feeling throughout the flight. This woman who she had nothing in common with on the surface, but they could talk for hours. </p>
<p>When they arrive in Texas, Jamie nods her head and wishes Dani a good trip. “See ya, Poppins,” she said as she started to do a quick wave while walking backwards for a moment. She is smiling, but there is a sense of finality in what she says. No need to stay in touch, because why should they? And Dani is perfectly fine with that, she isn’t sure how someone like Jamie could possibly fit into her life. She has Edmund, she has her job, she has her friends. </p>
<p>Jamie walks away as well, thinking about how people aren’t meant to stay-- and why should they? She’ll enjoy everything while it lasts. And Dani is not someone to last, she thinks. It’s too dangerous.</p>
<p>
  <span>==============================================</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>1987</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani rushes into the restaurant, and motions towards the outdoor dining area to try to explain to the maitre ‘d amidst her anxious rush that she is meeting a party that is already seated. She scans the outdoor tables half cast in shadows from the opened umbrellas above every seating area on the patio, and finds her friend Hannah sitting at one of the small two-person square tables. Hannah sees her and smiles. Dani runs over, more like a toddler learning to walk than a woman who has been an adult for years and a New Yorker for ten of them. She haphazardly throws her purse across the back of the chair and sits down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani, for goodness sakes, what’s the rush about?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t realize the time and walked here instead of getting a taxi and then noticed how late it was after I was already almost here, I hope you weren’t waiting long Hannah.” Hannah waves away her worries. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani met Hannah back in England, and when she moved to the States, she reached out to Dani to ask for advice getting acquainted with the American customs and navigating New York City, and they had become close fairly fast. Hannah had left England after her husband left her for a younger woman, and had been feeling more melancholy and empty for a few years waiting for something else big to happen. Love was often a topic of discussion when the two of them met up, and today was no exception. After Dani had settled in and a waitress had brought a second glass of ice water, Hannah sighed and looked off into the tiny garden surrounding the perimeter of the restaurant patio.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Dani. You’re so lucky you have Edmund. A real good one, perhaps even one of the last good ones! I thought Sam was like that, but clearly I had that one figured wrong. How is Edmund, anyway?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dani took a moment to prepare herself before jumping into the answer. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually, um, Edmund and I broke up.” Hannah’s eyes grew wide.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What on </span>
  <em>
    <span>Earth</span>
  </em>
  <span> are you talking about? When did this happen?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A few days ago, actually…” Hannah motions to put her hand over Dani’s, sympathetically, but Dani quickly moves her hand into her hair to scratch her head. “I’ll be okay. I’m fine, really, Hannah. I just needed some time to think about it myself. It’s not a big deal.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened?” Hannah’s concern is unable to be lessened despite Dani trying to wave off the problem, so Dani sighs and decides to expand… a little.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We just… I just… wanted different things. We grew apart.” Hannah looks at her sympathetically and gives her a hug, and this time Dani accepts the affection. She feels strange about her lack of reaction, about not being more broken up about having… well… broken up. She kept thinking about how it just never felt quite right with Edmund, how it always seemed like she was still waiting for a Happily Ever After. And had suddenly realized this was supposed to be it. And she’d been terrified.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want me to try to set you up with anyone? Get your mind off of it all?” Hannah reaches into her purse and pulls out a rolodex of names-- friends, potential dates, business associates. “There’s someone out there perfect for you,” she mumbles as she starts to file through them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, really, Hannah. It’s okay. And you’re really so nice. I can’t wait until you find someone a million times better than Sam. But I’m fine for now.” Maybe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oi! Over here!” Jamie calls over to Owen when she sees him coming across the aisle to sit next to her.  She stands up and flails her arm around to catch his attention as he wanders down the stairs of the arena, arms filled with greasy food. They’re preparing to watch an American football game, something neither she nor her friend Owen have ever done, but Owen had created a bucket list of “To Do In America” activities and insisted Jamie come along with him for this one.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got us both hot dogs and sodas. It’s going to be the best and worst meal I’ve ever had. Did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>touch down</span>
  </em>
  <span> on our seats yet?” Jamie smiles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Owen. Ouch.” They sit down and Jamie takes her hot dog and soda. She only half understands football and has even less interest in the game, but she suspects Owen feels the same. It’s more for the experience. The American experience. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They don’t talk for a moment while they begin to eat the mystery meat slathered in condiments. Owen then takes a glance over at his friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So… can I ask?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Go ahead.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened with that girl, the one who… was...around for a bit? Making regular appearances?” Jamie doesn’t shift her head away from the game, looking forward and holding onto her gigantic soda cup. She furrows her brow, as if piecing together how to respond in a way that will seem nonchalant when it isn’t actually nonchalant at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not worth my time. I wasn’t worth hers either, apparently.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why is that?” Owen looks at her with eyes that look ready to spontaneously tear up if provoked even the tiniest bit, despite Jamie trying to remain as unsentimental about the topic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… if you really want to know, while I was busy trying to decide if she might just be worth the effort, she was making acquaintance with some accountant. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My</span>
  </em>
  <span> accountant, actually. Thought having a female accountant would mean she’d be less likely to secretly screw me over. Figures. I was getting too close to thinking she might be decent enough to trust and making me think I might’ve been wrong about trust. People just love proving me right.” She keeps looking ahead at the field, not giving Owen her face just in case her emotions came out. “Which quarter is this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen does a tiny nod of recognition, mostly for himself (and Jamie doesn’t even notice), before silently agreeing to let her words sit for a minute without forcing her to be any more vulnerable. “They’re starting up the second. This quarter and the last one were practically… quarterback to back.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Owen, keep your day job.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen’s smile lifts up his mustache. “I can keep </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> jobs. Chef by day, comedian </span>
  <em>
    <span>all hours.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie rolls her eyes at him, trying to look at the big puffy men with round helmets running around on the field and trying to concentrate on it. But she can’t, completely. “If I could, I’d really give a hard talkin’ to whoever came up with love. It steals pieces of you. It really just fucks you up, huh. ‘S all it is. Destructive.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not everybody is like that,” he responds back tentatively. “There are perfect people out there. For you, for me. For everyone in this arena, in fact, I’d bet.” Jamie takes a look around the expanse of the stadium and scoffs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not likely. If there’s a soulmate for every piece of scum in here then it just proves my point. I can’t believe I almost let myself forget… again.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On another hand, she’s not even sure how Owen sneakily crept into her life the way he did. She likes his company, though, and she always keeps him at just enough at a distance where they are friends but if he were to up and leave for something different and never spoke to her again, she could get on just fine. She’d miss him, maybe, but her life is not dependent on Owen Sharma. He might be an exception to her general rule, but even then Jamie knows people come and go and attachment is dangerous.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’d met him while consulting for floral arrangements for a restaurant. Too fancy for Jamie’s taste, but Owen, who was the chef at the restaurant, had been so easygoing and welcoming, and they’d gotten on quite well. He was from England as well, and they’d taken to making fun of the Yanks while in each other’s company. But letting someone truly in was different. Owen helped her pass the time and enjoy her life, similar to how she saw her friends from prison who had taught her gardening and how to make it through the time, or even how she saw her therapist from the prison: someone to help pass the time for the time being, but not someone who you’re supposed to have around forever or supposed to live for. Just… someone for now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie knows relationships for sure don’t work. She almost lost herself again, but she knows now. Be guarded. Be aware. Remember what she’s learned already: people don’t love, and definitely not unconditionally. It is never worth it, she reminds herself. A part of her feels sad for having to tell herself this, but she knows it’s true.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, maybe I should just resign myself to being a young spinster. I’ll grow into the look eventually, don’t you think?” Hannah said it as if she was being playful, but Dani could tell there was real hurt behind her words. The two browsed through a local bookstore, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Whistle Stop Bookshop</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It had been a few days since Dani had broken the news of her and Edmund’s separation, and she had tried to prove how not heartbroken she was to Hannah by going about her day as usual. And in a way she wasn’t heartbroken. She didn’t miss the relationship part at all, or the stress she felt being put on herself. She felt more free than she’d felt in a long time. But she did feel lonely, and she missed who Edmund has been as a person, and the steady normalcy it could have symbolized. It was the idyllic life pictured for her back home. Edmund had been so excited to have her by his side, but in a way that Dani couldn’t turn into her own dream. Hosting dinner parties, becoming a full-time homemaker, making all of Edmund’s meals to have ready when he came home from work. She couldn’t even brew morning coffee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hannah, you won’t be a spinster. And you’re still young and glowing.” Dani wanders around a table with photography books. Some with documentary-style storytelling inside, some with images of dancers, landscapes. A book of flowers. She loves being in bookstores, loves the smell of words and paper and all the potential. She finds that this is why she loves cities, too: everything has so much potential in it; so many opportunities in such a small space. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hannah moves past her to look at the romance novels, lives she feels she could never lead. Dani continues to just walk row by row and take in each different genre, looking at cover art,  and back summaries, and inside flaps to determine if she wants to buy one book or another. She hears the the swish of Hannah’s slacks as she strides over to her from the other aisle, and almost flinches when Hannah lightly grips her arm in the middle of her plush pink sweater sleeve,  in order to pull Dani’s ear near her face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t look just yet, but there’s some woman over by the nature books who has been staring at you for a few minutes now.” Dani feels her face flush. She doesn’t like the feeling of being watched. She waits a few seconds, counting them silently in her head, and casually turns herself to see who is staring at her. Her heart is beating fast and for a moment she can’t look up, imagining it’s Edmund’s mother Judy, waiting to ask her a million questions. They hadn’t told their families about the breakup yet. But what if he had? What if--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s Jamie. Jamie from the flight from England. Jamie from the airport. Jamie who was hard and bitter and… intriguing? She lets a tiny gasp of surprise escape from her lips, at the surprise and oddity of seeing her again and in this very pleasant not-an-airport location.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I know her,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” she whispers back to Hannah.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who is she?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s… I drove with her to the airport back when I first left England to come back with America. And I saw her a few years ago on a plane by coincidence. She… she’s…” Dani was trying to find the right words to describe this person to Hannah, this person who is both abrasive and conversational, when Jamie began to walk toward her and stood right in front of her, a small smile pulling at her lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Poppins, what are the odds.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jamie. Hi,” Dani says back, looking towards the floor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Finding anything good? I’m a fan of the plant books myself. I also sometimes enjoy a thriller every now and again. Get all my anxiety out on fiction instead of real life.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” is all Dani says in response. She feels alarmed by Jamie’s sudden presence in her safe space, and remembers how defensive Jamie can get. She turns to Hannah, who is starting to walk the other side of the story.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m Hannah, charmed to meet you. I’ll be over there,” Hannah says as she starts to walk away, doing a quick nod of her head as she turns. She seems to be letting Dani catch up with who she assumes to be an old friend, but Dani almost wants to reach out, pull Hannah’s arm back for protection. She almost immediately feels vulnerable, and looks back at Jamie only to find her still standing there, looking right at her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’s Edmund?” Jamie asks. She then breaks the eye contact she was holding with Dani and saunters around a display of architecture books, fiddling with each one and touching it as she passes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We, uh, just broke up actually,” Dani says. She holds her arms close to her and tries looking anywhere but at Jamie. She prepares herself for the lecture from Jamie, the one about love, trust, and how it isn’t real. She’s prepared to defend herself. Instead Jamie stops in her tracks and looks up at her with a look Dani can’t determine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry about that. Break-ups really blow, huh? When did that happen?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A few days ago, actually.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Oh, Dani. That’s awful. How are you?” Once again, Dani is surprised by this. She wants to respond but also feels too exposed as it is, by this person she barely knows.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine… how is… the person you were with? Still with them?” Jamie scoffs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. Not at all. Let myself get caught up a bit too much. I’m actually newly detached as well. Free as a bird. Really makes you feel like shite, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani nods. She immediately feels a strange rush of sympathy for this woman she honestly barely knows. She also feels their situations are both very similar and… very not.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You ever feel like the world is just mocking you for it? I come in here for a book to help me with a landscape design and I keep seeing self help books on relationships and self-care. Reminding me even when I’m trying to escape it. I just need to wallow for a bit and be in it. Cry a little. You know, Poppins?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani nods again. Jamie, it seems, is never too shy to share her current state of being. “It’s a lot. The expectations, especially.” She realizes as she says this that this is the first conversation they’ve ever had where they are in complete agreement, and the first one she’s had in a long time where she doesn’t feel she has to compensate for anything in the conversation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stand there, staring at each other both lost in thoughts, before Dani notices what they’re doing. She snaps out of it as if being slapped in the back, and suddenly says, “Do you… want to go get coffee, maybe?” She isn’t sure why she’s said it. But she can’t help but hope Jamie says yes.</span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. New Beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dani gets reacquainted with Jamie and after being just another face in her memories for so many years, she realizes there might be something there that has been missing all this time.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>To be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I should continue to write/publish this story, because I somehow forgot how to write but had all the ideas in my head and didn't know what to do with them, and was overwhelmed with just how INCREDIBLE the writing is in so many of the fics in this fandom. But I want so much to have this realized for myself, for anyone who maybe likes this story, and to make my own tiny contribution into this fandom (however small that contribution may be). I do like what I'm writing and I'm excited for where it's going to go, and I hope some of you do too :) Maybe this was too personal but HEY it's the internet.<br/>This chapter is short, take with that what you will!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                         1987:</p>
<p>“So what’ve you been up to? Besides breaking up with Prince Charming, of course.” Jamie seems to be teasing her, but Dani feels awkward about that. Everyone in her life really had thought he was it for her.</p>
<p><br/>
“Oh, been teaching. I tutor a few evenings a week, too. Keep myself busy.”</p>
<p><br/>
After meeting in the bookstore, Hannah had gone home to finish up with “some things” that needed to be done. Dani had nothing else planned for the afternoon, and found herself intrigued by this new meeting of Jamie. Both of their last meetings had ended in a mysteriousness that even though had felt final, had also felt… electric. It suddenly made sense to her that their shared story was not yet over. Jamie also seemed much more willing to listen, and she felt much less need to defend herself. As if they weren’t supposed to meet until now anyway.</p>
<p>They walked to a nearby coffee shop and Dani got herself a latte, while Jamie stuck with tea. Jamie suggested they walk through Central Park, as it was only a few blocks away, and “it’ll give our drinks time to cool off so that we don’t burn our tongues off before we can use them to catch up.”</p>
<p>They walked through a part of the park that Dani had never been in before. It had the generic parts of New York that she had become accustomed to-- the ice cream stands, the hot dog stands, the Nuts 4 Nuts stands selling bags of sugar-coated almonds-- but it also had an abundance of nature that she hadn’t noticed before. They walked along a small dirt path, that was chained off on either side to protect the ivies and the tiny flowers. Dani found their conversation flowed easily.</p>
<p>“You do seem to like to be on the move, don’t you.” Jamie starts to kick a rock as they walk. At one point the rock dribbles over to Dani’s side, and she briefly contemplates whether she should just keep walking or swipe it back over to Jamie, who walked on her left side. In a moment of impulsiveness, she kicks the pebble to the ride, and watches it bounce away from the path and into the grass. “Cheeky.”</p>
<p>Dani giggles as they keep walking. “You fancy a treat?” Jamie nods her head at the ice cream stand. Dani begins to shake her head no, but stops herself.</p>
<p>Growing up, Dani’s mother always insisted that girls had to keep “tight” figures, and had taught Dani to eat “correctly” from age ten. Edmund, growing up in the same atmosphere, had subscribed to this notion. Throughout the time they were dating, he’d give her smaller portions of food, not consider that she might still be hungry or want dessert. Dani realized after awhile that he genuinely believed women’s bodies were different from men and didn’t need as much sustenance. If they ever got any form of sugar, it was Edmund who had craved it, and he do her the service of asking if she wanted “a bite.” Even without Edmund, Dani felt weird getting desserts, like she wasn’t supposed to enjoy them.</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” Dani responds to Jamie. Jamie ambles over to the stand.</p>
<p>“Which do you want?”</p>
<p>Feeling like she was doing something illegal, Dani pointed to an image of vanilla ice cream that was covered in a chocolate shell and had a hard chocolate core on a popsicle stick. Edmund hated chocolate.</p>
<p>“Right. Two of those actually,” Jamie says to the man at the stand. He nods and hands two packaged ice creams to the women. They continue walking, and Jamie unwraps hers and begins to eat it, acting as if this is a completely normal interaction. Maybe it is.<br/>
Dani watches Jamie for a moment, as Jamie pulls her hair away from her face a bit in order to eat. Dani finds herself captivated by Jamie in general, but most of all her face. Probably because she’s still such a mystery. Or because she hasn’t seen her in five years. Or because she doesn’t normally see lesbians in real life. Maybe she’s just intrigued.</p>
<p>“I am sorry about Edmund,” Jamie says, looking at her boots as they walk along the path. “It’s a hard thing to have to realize on your own. That things just don’t work.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, really. I’m fine. It took up too much of me… I couldn’t remember who I was without him.”</p>
<p>Jamie’s lopsided smile shows itself for a brief moment before she takes another bite of her ice cream. “Yeah. That’s what’s so scary. Give too much of yourself and then what do you have left when they leave?”</p>
<p>They keep walking. Dani feels suddenly weird about walking through this park with this woman she honestly barely knows. Like… who does she think she is? She sees herself through the eyes of passersby. A frenzied, awkward woman who probably looks like she’s eating an ice cream cone for the first time in her life. An adult woman eating ice cream in the middle of the afternoon. And Jamie just… fits here. She doesn’t look strange walking through the park. She fits. She looks confident. She’s not out of place at all.</p>
<p>Jamie notices her staring.</p>
<p>“Are you wondering why I let myself get wrapped up in another relationship when I already don’t believe in those things?”</p>
<p>“Uh…”</p>
<p>“It’s alright Poppins. You can be curious. My mindset never changed, I just thought maybe I deserve something for a few years, with someone who seems decent enough. I thought I hadn’t let my guard down. Apparently I had. Stupid of me, really. Of all people I should know to not do that. I won’t get too into it now though,” she side-eyes Dani. “Maybe after a few drinks.”</p>
<p>Dani isn’t completely sure what she means by that. But the feelings of electricity and uncomfortableness are both fighting or full attention now and she begins to feel an overwhelming sense of needing to leave the situation, unsure of how to handle anything in the immediate future.</p>
<p>“Actually, yeah, uh. I. Maybe another time. I think I should be getting going now. To. Um. To go to my house that I live. Apartment. It was great to see you.” She walks forward, away away away from Jamie and the path they were on. Books it toward the nearest exit in the park that leads to the street. On the way, she discards her ice cream. She makes it to the street, and crumples into the sidewalk.</p>
<p>She’s not sure what just came over her, or why she is so anxious. Her heart is beating rapidly, she feels like she has to be everywhere and nowhere. She never even exchanged contact information with Jamie. She’s awful. She’s confused.</p>
<p>After a few minutes, she collects herself and takes the bus home and cries.</p>
<p>                                                                                                                         ~~~~</p>
<p>The next day, Dani wakes up and immediately shoots up out of her bed. She screwed up yesterday. She feels weird about how the interaction with Jamie ended. In the previous encounters, she had been able to keep her cool the whole time, and they’d parted on equal terms. This time they’d actually elongated their meeting, and she has to end it because she starts panicking. Dani needs to fix this. Prove that she is not that person who abruptly left Jamie in the park.</p>
<p>Lucky for her, she remembers Jamie’s name, since she also used to work for Edmund’s company.</p>
<p>After going back and forth multiple times about whether to dial the number, and spending as many times with her finger almost pressing the first number on her phone, she finally dials. It rings.</p>
<p>“Violet Views Gardening, Jamie speaking.”</p>
<p>“Uh-- hello.”</p>
<p>“Who’s this then?”</p>
<p>“It’s, uh. This is Dani.” Her voice wavered. She tried again. “This is Dani. I got your number from the phone book. I wanted a redo of yesterday. I’m sorry for… running away. I sometimes get overwhelmed.”</p>
<p>“‘S’all right. Hey, Poppins. I was actually wondering how we’d meet up again since I knew nothing about how to find you since Edmund’s out of the picture.” A beat of silence. “Sorry.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m fine, really.”</p>
<p>“So, I reckon you didn’t just call up to apologize…?”</p>
<p>“Right. Did you want to get dinner? Sometime this week? It feels nice to have a friend going through this all at the same time.” Was that entirely true? Were they going through the same thing?</p>
<p>“Yeah. Yeah, I think I can make something work.” Dani feels her entire body begin to shake. But not anxiety… it’s… butterflies. She’s excited. Tingling almost.</p>
<p>“Awesome. Great. Yeah. Does Wednesday night work? I tutor tomorrow and Tuesday night so I’m pretty tired.”</p>
<p>Jamie answers immediately without having to check a calendar. “Yeah, Poppins. Wednesday is good.”</p>
<p>                                                                                                                         ~~~~</p>
<p>When Wednesday night arrives, Dani arrives thirty minutes early to the restaurant, afraid of leaving Jamie waiting, and wanting to catch a glimpse of Jamie before they sit down. She feels weird about having panicked at the end of their last meeting. Since calling Jamie, she hasn’t been able to sleep, and has been thinking constantly about this exact moment.</p>
<p>When Jamie finally comes, Dani sees her from where she stands behind a potted fern, biting her nails. Jamie is wearing.... A dress? She looks almost like a different person, with her hair clipped back into a bun with a few strands falling down over her face. The dress is black and red and tight. Dani is wearing a dress of her own, but suddenly feels underdressed for some reason. Dani takes a second to catch her breath, which suddenly feels heavy. This is just a normal new-friend-hangout. Stop overreacting.</p>
<p>She comes out from behind the fern and acts as though she was just walking from the opposite direction.</p>
<p>“Hey, Jamie.” Jamie glances her way and opens the door for her so they could walk in together.</p>
<p>“Poppins. I see you decided to join me from your place behind the plant leaves.” Dani’s face immediately turns bright pink. “No worries. I’m starved.” She winks at Dani before turning away and walking inside.</p>
<p>They are seated immediately, and both of them order wine. As Dani looks through the menu, she hears Jamie clear her throat.</p>
<p>“I, uh. Brought flowers from my garden, as a sort of ‘welcome.’ Flowers are… kind of my thing. She pulls out a small bouquet and hands then softly to Dani’s hands.</p>
<p>“These are… beautiful. What are they?”</p>
<p>“Carnation. Maiden pink carnation, if I’m being exact.” She takes a sip of her wine. “Anyway, I grow so many flowers and only a special few get to be used and arranged, might as well use them whenever I get the chance. And the pink just… fit you.”</p>
<p>A waiter comes over and takes their order, and Dani stacks up their menus to return to him. After he leaves Jamie takes another sip to cover up a smirk.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry… about the other day,” Dani says. “I don’t usually do that.”</p>
<p>“Nothing to apologize for. Glad to see you now, without running away.”</p>
<p>For the next few minutes, Dani feels herself settling into her chair a bit more. She still feels that electricity, but she also feels so vibrantly in the moment that she can’t focus on anything else but being in the conversation, right now, with Jamie. Jamie tells her all about work, and how it’s becoming harder to maintain a business on her own as a freelancer. Dani listens raptly, attentive. She herself talks a bit about working with the kids, and her fear that she isn’t making enough of a difference when she has thirty pairs of eyes staring at her all day, and she doesn’t necessarily know what happens to most of those little eyes when they go home.</p>
<p>The waiter then comes over and puts down their plates of food.</p>
<p>“Thank you very much,” Dani gushes towards the waiter as he walks away. Jamie laughs.</p>
<p>“What’s so funny?” Dani asks, only semi-seriously.</p>
<p>“You’re always so polite to everyone. It’s a skill, really.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you think you should be polite? Especially to people handling our food and in any sort of human service?”</p>
<p>“Definitely I do. But I’m more inclined to just communicate what I need and move on. I provide a service when I work and I move on, they provide a service here. As long as nobody is disrespecting anyone.” Dani keeps looking at her. “But I can say thank you, if it makes you feel better.” She lifts her glass as a salute to her dinner companion.</p>
<p>Dani lifts hers as well.</p>
<p>“Cheers!” Jamie chuckles quietly as she brings her drink to her lips and takes a sip.</p>
<p>When Dani had gone out to restaurants with Edmund, he often ordered for her. Edmund had completely leaned into the idea of chivalry, and since while they were growing up Edmund had always been teased by the other boys, he liked the masculinity that came from being “in charge” of Dani. He took pride in having Danielle as his prize. It surprised Dani how much more comfortable she felt being at restaurants with Jamie, where she was free to order what she wanted, free to express her opinions that might differ from Jamie’s and not be worried about being told to shush or to “save it for later.”</p>
<p>“Poppins, have you always been this way?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“So… pleasant. What made you that way? No way you chose to live your life letting other people walk all over you. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes being sweet is the way to go. But sometimes it means you get the short end of the stick. And I have a feeling that you’ve gotten the short end more than your fair share.”<br/>
Dani thinks in her mind, whether she wants to go in-depth about herself. She’s not even sure she is capable of truly answering anyway.</p>
<p>“How I was raised, I guess,” is all she replies. It’s not a lie, but Dani also knows it’s only the first sentence in the story of the truth.</p>
<p>“I probably shouldn’t have asked you that yet. Practically a perfect stranger with a familiar face. For now we’ll stick to the pleasantries, yeah?” For some reason, even though Dani did really want to open up, she felt a new sense of apprehension for an unknown reason that if she doesn’t keep all over thoughts and emotions bottled up she might explode again. She appreciates Jamie somehow understanding this. Jamie, who looks more captivating than any model or actress Dani has ever seen. Jamie, who Dani feels is the most empathic person Dani has ever met, yet gives off this air of not being in tune with anyone around her. Jamie, who Dani absolutely has to see again.</p>
<p>                                                                                                                         ~~~~</p>
<p>Dani sits on her couch painting her fingernails that Saturday morning, while she plays records that she took with her all the way from Iowa. A feeling of nostalgia. Hannah sits at the table, lighting incense and mumbling to herself. A song comes on that reminds Dani too much of Edmund, so she scrambles to put down the nail polish without spilling it in order to change it.</p>
<p>“Dani, my psychic was telling me that love is on the horizon. And I really feel like this is the first time she might be wrong. She is never wrong.”</p>
<p>“Why do you think it’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“When have I ever found love. I’ve already accepted being an old maid, I’ve told you this.”</p>
<p>“Hannah, you’re incredible. There is someone out there for you.” The room begins to smell of lavender and sage as the scented smoke drifts around the room.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to look at your cards?” Hannah is flipping cards over repeatedly while sitting at the table. Dani bites her lip. She is always afraid to let Hannah and any of her other fortune-telling friends look into her future. Everything has always felt unknown and uneasy, and she’d rather not know. But Hannah has been obsessing for days about whether her most recent session was accurate. Hannah goes monthly (or more) to a psychic in Queens to get readings about her life-- love life, work, and her life in its entirety. She has her own set of tarot cards, but she feels she is not as skilled a reader and has no training. But it doesn’t stop her from incessantly turning over the cards, worried. Dani feels there was something else said at the reading that she isn’t sharing with Dani, but Dani doesn’t want to push it.</p>
<p>“Sure, Hannah. But I don’t want a full reading. You know I’d rather not know. But we can… take a tiny peek.” She puts away her nail polish and walks to sit across from Hannah at her dining room table.</p>
<p>Hannah has always been mystical. She believes in astrology, in spirits and the afterlife. She lights candles for the dead and has been present at seances for friends who wanted to find out more about loved ones who passed away. Frankly, it unsettles Dani. She wouldn’t say it scares her, but Dani strives so much for normalcy that anything supernatural makes her feel that her understanding of the world around her is much more fragile than she likes to pretend it is.</p>
<p>“Alright, love. Sit down and clear your head a moment.” Dani sits down but finds it almost impossible to clear her head. Tomorrow morning she is seeing Jamie again, and ever since Wednesday night that’s been most of what’s on her mind. Would Hannah be able to see that in her cards?</p>
<p>“Now I’m no professional at this. We can do a three-card reading, it’ll focus on your past, your present, and your future. Do you want to ask a question? Or shall we just see what is currently at work in that head of yours?”</p>
<p>Apprehensively, Dani replies, “Let’s just see what it comes up with.” Hannah nods. She takes Dani’s hands in hers-- they are soft, and they feel as warm as Hannah’s voice as she speaks.</p>
<p>“The first card I put down will be a force from your past that led you to where you are now. Dani could barely breathe. She wasn’t sure what to expect from this. Hannah takes the deck and shuffles it in front of her, and has Dani put her own hands on top of it. The cards feel smooth but with bits of fuzzy creases from where they have bent over constant use. Hannah has Dani break the deck into three piles and put it back together.</p>
<p>Hannah pulls a card and places it face down on Dani’s left. The card shows a picture of a woman in a long white flowing dress, with her face down and solemn. Ropes are wrapped around the woman’s middle and her arms are behind her back. She stands right in the center of the card with dozens of swords spearing the soil, fencing her into her place on the ground. Like a cage.</p>
<p>“Eight of swords.” Hannah looks at the card a moment, her brow creasing, and almost looking worriedly between the card and Dani, but quickly recovering to seem neutral and mystical. This means that in your past you felt caged and restricted from something, and feel that you have no way out. And powerless to change anything.” She is quiet another moment.</p>
<p>Dani says nothing in response. She stares at the girl with the ropes around her torso.</p>
<p>“Next is the present.” Hannah flips over a second card and puts it in the middle of the table. This card features a woman, who appears to be almost like a queen, seated at a thrown and adorned in beautiful jewelry, robes, and a headdress. “The High Priestess!” Hannah marvels over the card. “This card means that right now at this time you are beginning to understand something about yourself that perhaps you did not know before. It could mean secrets, or a mystery. Whatever it is you are feeling, you should trust those feelings.” Hannah quickly glances up at Dani before looking back down and continuing. “It could also mean more of a focus on your femininity.”</p>
<p>Dani’s whole body started to flutter but she kept her face as neutral as possible. She removed one of her hands from the table and made a fist so she could dig her nails into the inside of her palm. Understanding something about herself. Is she? Trusting her feelings… can she?</p>
<p>“How do you feel, Dani?”</p>
<p>“Perfectly fine,” she mumbles.</p>
<p>“This next part, the future. This is where your future is currently headed. It can also be a warning or a reminder for what you should change if you want something better, or to keep on the track you’re on if you want good things. It depends on what the card is. And this is also based off of your present, in this case the message from the High Priestess. This future is based off of this… intuition. Or secret. Or whatever it may be.”</p>
<p>Hannah turns over another card and places it down onto Dani’s right. The picture is filled with color, and before anything else all she sees are the colors. This card has a man and woman, both naked, and looking up into the sky. The sky is filled with clouds, and trees, and flower blossoms, and a large robed man encompassing the sun. “The Lovers.”</p>
<p>Dani can’t help it. Her cheeks turn immediately red.</p>
<p>“This card… means a lot of things. It can mean committing to something new...making choices… and of course… falling in love.”</p>
<p>They are silent for a few moments.</p>
<p>“So… what does it mean altogether?” Dani asks, though she feels fairly certain the entire reading is actually fairly cohesive.</p>
<p>“Well to me it sounds like you’ve got quite a lot of things to work through. I would assume myself that this is about Edmund, and perhaps someone new is going to come along. Sooner than you thought, too!”</p>
<p>Dani thinks about that. Someone new. She’s not sure she wants to meet anyone new.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                                                                                                                         ~~~~</p>
<p>“Mornin, Poppins,” Jamie muses upon seeing Dani. Dani has brought with her a filled picnic basket. They are back in Central Park, this time for a sit-down breakfast on the grass. Jamie had told Dani that she had to run plant-related errands all day but would enjoy sitting outside a bit if Dani wanted to join her. Dani couldn’t find a single reason to even consider saying no. In fact, “yes” was all she thought for an hour after the phone call. “What’s this, then?”</p>
<p>“Just… some things I put together.”</p>
<p>“I was expecting a brown paper bag, this is high class stuff here.” Dani tries to hide her blush by making herself busy. They’d met up by an entrance near the bookstore where they had first met. They walk along the path and Dani keeps scanning the area for good trees to sit under, not letting any conversation happen until they are off the path and settled and Dani can get a good look at Jamie’s face. When she finally finds one, she pulls out a large, soft pink blanket and lays it on the ground.</p>
<p>“We’re eating like kings,” Jamie comments, amused. They sit down and begin to eat. Dani can’t help but continue to stare at Jamie. She’s never had a friend like this before.</p>
<p>                                                                                                                         ~~~~</p>
<p>Jamie pulls her shoes off and sits criss-cross on the blanket. “What is it you’ve brought today?” Jamie feels a jolt of annoyance at herself, for not having Owen prepare food for her to bring. Usually she is much more prepared than this. But she has been so stressed with everything relating to her job, and not getting near enough jobs to sustain her in the near future, that with the amount of errands she had to do, stopping by at Owen’s in the morning just never entered her mind. Next time.</p>
<p>Dani pulls out a plethora of decidedly very American breakfast foods (and a few non-breakfast but very American ones): bacon, hard boiled eggs, multiple tiny round waffles, a container of strawberries, and some oranges.</p>
<p>“The waffles are from a box,” Dani says as if by explanation. Jamie notices her blushing again. It makes Jamie almost feel a familiar sensation… but she reminds herself quickly: Nobody can truly be trusted. And also: she’s straight. It’s okay to make friends… as long as she doesn’t depend on them or expect too much. She can do this.<br/>
Jamie digs into the food that Dani brought, feeling that this half-homemade food tastes as good as anything Owen makes, if only because they are sitting outside and breathing in the fresh air, the plants, the trees. Dani’s perfume.</p>
<p>“What is it you have to do after this? On a Sunday?”</p>
<p>“Plants don’t take days off,” Jamie says, watching a little girl in the distance pulling up dandelions and making wishes and trying not to externally wince at imagining how the gardeners of the park will have to deal with that in a few weeks. “I’ve got a wedding. Well, sort of. I don’t usually do weddings. Not my expertise. But I’ve been helping to spruce up a venue to help an old client of mine, and they want me there the day of to make sure all the flower arrangements look like they should, that everything is in place. Especially for pictures.”</p>
<p>“That sounds magnificent.” Jamie thinks for a second that Dani is being facetious, but upon looking up at her she realizes she’s serious.</p>
<p>“You think? You should hear about the funerals.” She waits a beat before she almost impulsively adds, “if you want you can come. It could be fun. Man only needs me because he’s too rich to know what to do with all his extra cash, wastes it on stuff like flower monitors. I can say you’re my assistant.”</p>
<p>“To a wedding? I… I don’t know what I’d wear…”</p>
<p>“No, to the next funeral.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, definitely. I know exactly what I’d wear then.” Dani is smiling at her now, looking up at Jamie playfully. Jamie had been getting ready to mentally scold herself for making the obnoxious funeral joke so she liked that Dani liked it.</p>
<p>“Well then, after this I’ll go start gathering my supplies and I can give you the address and I’ll meet you out front. Something nice but something you can lift in. Nothing trashy but nothing classy.”</p>
<p>“Well then I might as well wear my funeral dress.”</p>
<p>They finish eating and walk back through the park, and as they begin to separate Dani feels sad that they have to leave one another for even an hour.<br/>
                                                                                                                         ~~~~</p>
<p>Dani ironically is only able to find her nice black dress in her closet. She figures maybe Jamie will find that funny enough. Her only other dress options are white (no way) and semi see-through club dancing dresses. She doesn’t feel like scandalizing the village today. Her black dress is also not too fancy and isn’t obnoxiously tight, so she knows she can help carry flowers or whatever it is she has randomly volunteered to help with.</p>
<p>When she finds Jamie in front of the venue, she’s wearing a navy blue jumpsuit that flares out near the bottom but hugs Jamie’s hips. It doesn’t dip down too far on her chest, but definitely enough to be eye-catching, which Dani assumes is the “not trashy but not classy.”</p>
<p>“Alright then. We’ll set up the tables with these arrangements,” she motions to the truck in front of her, which has Violet Views Gardening written across the side in swirly purple lettering. The back of the truck is open with vases upon vases of carefully placed flower bouquets, mostly roses of varying colors but baby’s breath was swirled into the bunches as well. Dani began to pick up vases and followed Jamie to the venue. The smell of the flowers made her almost intoxicated.</p>
<p>Despite Jamie always seeming to be confident and in charge, this was Dani’s first time seeing her at work and among plants, and it was clear that this is where Jamie felt her best. She shined, touching up the flowers and moving things around, clipping off ends and rearranging. They put vases on each table in the large ballroom, which was overwhelmingly large and decorated in a way that Dani’s mother would have called “tacky.” She didn’t have time to marvel over it, because when she’d put down the last vase after making what seemed like a million trips from the truck into the ballroom, Jamie was pulling her back to the van.</p>
<p>“Shit. I didn’t look at the time. We have to get the other bouquets to the bride and the bridesmaids.” When they got there, she grabbed all the bouquets and told Dani to just hold them in her arms altogether and they’d find the bridal suite. These ones they pulled from the vases and just held them together tightly like a hug made of flowers.</p>
<p>“WIDE LOAD COMIN’ THROUGH,” Jamie yelled at caterers and other workers as they passed by.</p>
<p>“I apologize for...her,” Dani would frantically whisper to them after Jamie had charged through.</p>
<p>Jamie busted into the bridal suite as though she were knocking down the door of a police raid. A bride and five bridesmaids all stood up, frightened, but the bride relaxed when she saw the bouquets.</p>
<p>“Oh thank goodness. They’re here!” She grabbed one of the ones from Dani’s arms and squealed. “They’re gorgeous.” The rest of the women grabbed bouquets as well.</p>
<p>There was one more in Dani’s hand.</p>
<p>“Jamie, what’s this one for?”</p>
<p>“We usually make a back-up one, just in case… something happens to it.” Dani nods and squeezes it to her chest protectively. Jamie notices that Dani holding onto a bouquet of flowers looks like a painting in a museum, and she wishes it was. She could look at the image for hours. Her… straight friend holding flowers. Good.</p>
<p>Jamie was told to remain by the ushers for the beginning of the ceremony. She brought Dani along with her, and let Dani keep holding onto the extra bouquet. They were told that all they have to do is make sure the bridesmaids were holding their flowers in the “most photogenic way possible.” After the wedding planner walked away, Jamie rolled her eyes at Dani. “My flowers are photogenic in every possible direction. Ridiculous.”</p>
<p>During the ceremony, while watching the bride walk down the aisle, and the groom looking at her so lovingly and full of hope, Dani began to tear up. She couldn’t hold in all the feelings of watching two people love each other and being able to know it so surely and declare it. Would she ever get that? Hannah’s reading seemed to say so. But she was so confused by most of the reading and didn’t want to try to make sense of it. She glanced over at Jamie, and was surprised to find her looking just as longingly out at the wedding taking place.</p>
<p>“Do you like weddings?” she asks her, trying to speak low enough that the distant relatives and latecomers in the back row don’t shush them.<br/>
Jamie considers the question. “Bit strange, the whole thing. The whole practice of marriage, really. When you take a husband’s name, it’s declaring that you’re his property. Owned by him. And this whole giving away thing,” she waves her arm at the father of the bride, who is currently handing off his daughter to the arms of her husband-to-be at the altar. “Is so objectifying. Like girls belong to their dads and then the husband buys them. Exchanging hands, that’s what this is.” She sneers.</p>
<p>“Why do you agree to do weddings, then? If you’re so against marriage.”</p>
<p>“I’m not against marriage. Just… the meaning behind it. And I love weddings. Fancy all the flowers. And the liquor, actually. It just seems like people get married for all the wrong reasons. You already know this though, Poppins. How I feel about people. Trust leads to disappointment.” She says it confidently, but Dani can hear a sense of wistfulness in her voice as well. Like she’s been let down too many times.</p>
<p>“I think they’re beautiful. And some people get married for the wrong reasons, but marriage in itself isn’t about owning. It’s love. And it’s beautiful.” She says it to make a point, but then Jamie just giggles and grabs her for her arm absently. Dani feels her arm tingling in the spots where Jamie’s fingers touch hers. After a moment Jamie notices this and lets go.</p>
<p>When the ceremony is over, Jamie and Dani are invited to partake in the festivities in the ballroom. Jamie drops off the extra bouquet in the bridal suite first (“the brides love keeping these things to press into their photo albums, I swear it”), then they go into the ballroom where people are already beginning to dance.</p>
<p>“Are you going to dance?” Dani asked, getting ready to jump in with all of the other partygoers, wearing teased hair and blue eyeshadows and screaming out the lyrics to the songs at the top of their lungs.</p>
<p>“Nah, not really my thing. I just like to people watch.”</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, why?”</p>
<p>“I had you pegged as a hardcore dancer.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Maybe you shouldn’t assume everything,” Jamie says with a wink. She grabs a piece of bread off of one of the tables as they walk by and begins to eat it. “Fancy you’ll want a wedding this big when you nab your next boyfriend?”</p>
<p><br/>
Dani isn’t quite sure what comes over her in the next second, but feels maybe it’s the loud music, the flowers, Hannah’s card reading, or just that she’s confused and wants to make everyone else confused too. But she answers Jamie loudly over the music, saying “maybe you shouldn’t assume everything either.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Fake it Till You Make it (or until you leave the restaurant)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jamie and Dani continue to become closer, including a Damie version of the famous "I'll have what she's having" scene from a certain 80s movie. They celebrate New Year's Eve together which is... not what Dani expected, and a semi-double date goes strange.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again!! Another short one, but I have so many random bits that are written and nothing is in chronological order so putting things in order and writing what needs to actually be written slows me down. Happy 6 months since Bly Manor came out (wow).<br/>Once again I was feeling strange about putting out a chapter, but it's in my head, and now written down and being shared, and I really want to thank anyone who reads it for reading it. Thank you for sharing your time with me. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~~~~~<br/>

                                                                                                          Middle of December, 1987</p>
<p>	“Ever since I first saw this movie, I’ve wanted to spend Christmas in Vermont,” Jamie says wistfully into the phone. Dani sits in her own bed, covered in her large floral comforter and decorative pillows, watching White Christmas on Cable, while Jamie sits in her own apartment in her own bed with her own television tuned into White Christmas, while they talk on the phone throughout the film. They’ve taken to doing this quite often, watching movies while sitting apart. Their days can get hectic, while Dani working at school all day and having papers to grade, and Jamie has to run around finding and arranging and growing flowers, and on the weeknights when it just becomes too chaotic, they’ve come to find they enjoy just talking and watching programs together. Jamie’s voice in the phone alone is soothing enough to Dani after a day of tests, unruly kids, and expectations from the board of education. </p>
<p>“When I watched that movie I always wanted to be like the sisters,” Dani mumbles half to herself and half to Jamie. “They just get on a train and run away.”</p>
<p>	“Sometimes, Poppins, it sounds like you’re the one with the bad rep. Sometimes it’s nice to know you can always just escape and start over.”</p>
<p>	“Would you ever? Escape and start over?” The characters on the screen are beginning a song and dance number, but she’s seen the movie enough times to know what’s happening without having to give it her full attention. </p>
<p>	“Maybe. I’ve done it a few times already, I reckon. First time was after I did my time, found something to do. And now I’m here, in America. Fresh start. Clean slate. I think everybody probably should do that some point, otherwise you’d get too stuck in your ways. What about you?” </p>
<p>	Dani considers this. “No, I don’t think so. Not again, anyway. I like my life now how it is.”</p>
<p>	The call is silent for a few moments. “I guess maybe it takes a few tries to shake off all the unwanted things in your life so that you find and keep the parts you want in the end,” Jamie remarks quietly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>                                                                                                                    ~~~~~<br/>
A few mornings later, Dani has a half day at the school to kick off the winter holiday break, and Jamie takes a long midday break so they can go out to lunch together. They’ve been spending more and more time together, and Dani finds that she likes it and feels more content and excited to see Jamie than she ever remembered seeing Edmund. </p>
<p>It’s Jamie who decides on the deli. She says she’s in the mood for a nice American-sized sandwich. They walk into the crowded restaurant, and Jamie strides forward to find a table with Dani absently grabbing for Jamie’s arm so they don’t get separated. They sit down at the table, and once again Jamie smirks when Dani apologetically thanks the waiter for their waters. </p>
<p>	The place was filled with working class men and women on lunch breaks, elderly couples, nannies with the children they work with, and mothers with their young children and their hair in barely-holding-together scrunchies. Dani tried to imagine Edmund sitting in a place like this with her. She couldn’t.</p>
<p>	“Penny for your thoughts,” Jamie says, looking smugly at Dani.</p>
<p>	“Thinking about Edmund. He hated places like this. He thought they were… dirty.” </p>
<p>	“Ah, thinkin’ about that man. How did you manage to stay with him as long as you did? Don’t mind me asking, but did he… satisfy you?” Dani seems suddenly shocked by the question. “I just mean he always seemed so uptight. Was he at least different when you guys… y’know.” Jamie holds out her pointer finger on her left hand and makes a circle using her fingers on her right hand and moves her pointer in and out of the circle while raising her eyebrows. She’s perfectly capable of saying “sex” but this seems like a more fun way to tease Dani.</p>
<p>	It works. She blushes and looks around to see if anyone saw Jamie’s finger motions. They were all way too into their own food, however, and couldn’t care less about the two women in the booth in the middle of the room. </p>
<p>	“He… tried. He thinks he was great at…” she pauses then leans in to whisper the next word. “Sex. But he wasn’t. I felt like I was just doing my taxes every night on a mattress.” </p>
<p>	“That great, huh?”</p>
<p>	Dani shrugs.</p>
<p>	“How did he manage to think he was that good at it if you were just sittin’ there, bored to death staring at the ceiling?”</p>
<p>	Dani’s blush comes back full force. “Well he actually… thought that I was enjoying it as much as he was.”</p>
<p>	“Dani Clayton. Are you tellin’ me you faked it? Dani Clayton, the picture of purity and honesty. Fakin’ it.” Jamie throws her head back to laugh, thoroughly enjoying this. Dani looks around again to see if anyone is paying attention. The restaurant is crowded and filled with the sounds of plates and cups clinking together, chatter, the yells from various cooks in the kitchen, orders being called out, chairs being moved. Nobody is paying attention to them.</p>
<p>	“It’s easier than it looks,” she manages to whisper.</p>
<p>	“You surprise me all the time, Poppins. I guess that’s one thing I have over Edmund. A girl has never faked it with me. Couldn’t.”</p>
<p>	“Couldn’t they?” Now that the topic was slightly shifting, Dani felt the rush of blood leaving her head. </p>
<p>	“No way. Men are clueless like that, in my opinion.”</p>
<p>	“You’re saying you’d know if an orgasm was fake or real, just based on seeing it?”</p>
<p>	“Absolutely.”</p>
<p>	Dani got a smug look on her face then. She smiles at Jamie and nods just enough to show her she has taken what she just said into consideration. Their waiter comes over at that moment and puts down their orders of food. Dani thanks the waiter, and Jamie awkwardly thanks the waiter as well (Dani has been trying to teach her common manners, but it still feels a bit too foreign to speak so politely to strangers).</p>
<p>	Dani stares at her BLT with fries for a moment before picking up a fry and putting it into her mouth slowly and being to chew. Jamie picks up her own sandwich, a pastrami on rye, and opens her mouth, when she hears Dani begin to breathe heavily. She looks up at her, and sure enough, Dani is sitting there, eyes closed, beginning to breathe heavier and heavier. Her mouth is slightly open as she begins to nod. </p>
<p>	“Yes,” she whispers. “YES.” Dani breathes faster, and then lets out a groan. “YES.” Dani’s breaths become pants and she sits there, eyes closed, groaning and panting and a growing crescendo of “YES.” She begins banging the table as she yells. She puts one by her neck and moves it down along her chest, holding it on top of her chest for a moment as her other hand bangs the table again. Jamie feels unequivocally turned on, watching Dani. She saw exactly what was happening. Dani was proving her point, how easy it was to fake an orgasm… and in the process had suddenly taken over the power in the conversation. Jamie thought she was in charge by teasing Dani with a hand motion? Dani was climaxing in a deli. </p>
<p>	Jamie looks around at her as Dani begins to slow down her breathing again, eyes still closed and coming down from the “orgasm.” Every single table was silent, watching the two women now. Dani’s breathing returns to normal, then, and she opens her eyes, smirks at Jamie, and takes another fry into her mouth and begins to chew, acting as if nothing happened. Jamie wants to reach for her suddenly, right now in the middle of the restaurant, and make that happen for real. </p>
<p>	“Waiter. Waiter,” an elderly woman a few tables away from them yells, breaking the silence in the room. A man, utterly bewildered, rushes from behind the counter to her table. The woman motions towards Dani and then says, loudly enough for most of the occupants of the dining area, “I’ll have what she’s having.” </p>
<p>	Dani smiles at Jamie again. Jamie laughs back again. “Always surprising me, Poppins.” Dani winks back at her, and Jamie wants so badly to see the whole thing again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>                                                                                                                    ~~~~~</p>
<p>December 31, 1987</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you’ve dragged me to a bloody New Year’s Eve party. I never go to these sorts of things. Usually can’t be bothered.”</p>
<p>	“It’ll be fun. And thank you for coming with me.” Dani pulls Jamie along into the building. Through Hannah’s connections with some wealthier Manhattanite families, she was able to invite whoever she wanted to a New Year’s Eve event downtown. It’s being hosted by some people from a company Dani can’t even remember the name of, but it’s free and it’s fun. In previous years, Dani has gone to this same party with Edmund. But this year, without him, she feels strange. Hannah is usually fraternizing the whole time or trying to find the right one to share that perfect New Year’s Kiss with. Dani didn’t want to be left in the corner, because though she likes to socialize and connect, she is not one to be the life of the party or strike up conversations with random strangers who are half drunk. </p>
<p>Or full drunk. Or, if she’s being honest, not drunk at all.</p>
<p>	Since she’d been connecting more with Jamie and developing more of a friendship with her, she considered inviting her. Thus far they’d only been occasionally going out to dinner to talk about things in their lives that they can’t talk about with people already in their lives, so bringing Jamie with her to a party would mean officially making them friends. She wasn’t sure whether this was right or not… but it beat being alone at the party. Plus if it got awkward or they had nothing to talk about, they just could stop scheduling dinners. She briefly worries about the fact that Jamie likes girls, and she would be taking Jamie with her to a party. But she convinces herself it’s okay. They are just friends. Jamie won’t read into anything, she won’t think anything. This can be totally normal. Totally casual. They are friends.</p>
<p>	Jamie had said yes, hesitantly. She had been planning on spending her New Year’s how she usually spent it: at home, alone, and going to sleep before midnight. But when Dani had asked her, she could see that this (for some reason) meant something to her. So she said yes. Worst that could happen is she goes to sleep a few hours later. The specific day really didn’t have much significance for her anyway.</p>
<p>	Dani pulls Jamie along, pushing past balloons, pointy hats, noise makers, people holding drinks, and people trying to dance to hit songs but lacking the rhythm to look good while trying. A man wearing a head-to-toe white tuxedo struts by holding a tray of shot glasses. “Thanks, mate,” Jamie says, grabbing one in each hand and taking both of them immediately. Watching it happen, Dani thought maybe Jamie was… anxious? But Jamie always seemed so confident about everything around her, every social situation. </p>
<p>	“Thank you for… for coming with me,” Dani half-yells into Jamie’s ear. Jamie turns to look at her after finding a random counter to put the shot glasses down, and the if-I-don’t-get-buzzed-I-might-go-into-fetal-position-soon look seemed to melt away a little and the protective, confident Jamie came back.</p>
<p>	“No problem, Poppins. Couldn’t let you go to a… this… alone.” </p>
<p>	Usually Dani would have to mingle around, being pulled by Edmund to shmooze and talk to random men and couples that Dani didn’t really know. She liked it, in a way, but it was exhausting. She learned that with Jamie, it was very different. Once they found a corner that wasn’t tightly packed with people, Jamie started to just enjoy feeling the music and focusing only on Dani. Dani found this to be a nice break from the usual. She was surprised to find out that even though Jamie wouldn’t sing the lyrics to any of the songs and claimed to not know “pop music,” she was suspiciously good at knowing when a song was going to slow down or speed up, and seemed to begin to start looking for a drink right when the song was preparing to end. </p>
<p>	Dani finds the night to be practically cathartic, dancing to music and watching her friend dance as well, no small talk, no conversations or introductions with business associates, no weaving through crowds of strangers. Not that she doesn’t adore any of that. But tonight feels right. Until the one-minute countdown to 1988 begins, and Dani realizes that she has no New Year’s Kiss. Edmund would always take her to the deck, where they could look out at the rest of the skyline but still hear the party, for their kiss. She hadn’t even realized it, but she’d stopped dancing and was now staring into space. </p>
<p>“Five… four… three… two… ONE!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” Streamers and noisemakers and alcohol-scented screams flooded the room, and Dani watched the faces of everyone around her disappear as they all leaned in for their first kiss of the New Year.</p>
<p>	“We might as well, could do worse,” Jamie says, bringing Dani back to the present.</p>
<p>	“Huh?”</p>
<p>	“If you needed a New Year’s kiss, seeing as there aren’t too many options. Nothing to lose.”</p>
<p>	“Yeah, yeah. Why not.” She says it without thinking. Her brain is still thinking about Edmund, and New Year’s on the deck and wondering where Edmund is now? And if she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing with her life, and how to begin a new year on the right foot--</p>
<p>	And Jamie is kissing her. </p>
<p>	And she is kissing Jamie.</p>
<p>	And she is putting her arms around Jamie. And she is hungry. And this is nothing like Edmund. And this is more than she thought possible. And then she stops thinking and just leans into it, all thoughts gone except Jamie. Jamie’s lips, Jamie’s hands, soft and warm and suddenly in Dani’s hair. And then-</p>
<p>	Jamie pulls back. </p>
<p>	“That was quite a kiss,” she says, breathless. “Happy New Year, Poppins.” Jamie then abruptly walks away, looking bewildered. Dani stands there, wondering if Jamie was just that good at kissing or if Edmund just sucked. Edmund should’ve practiced with Jamie. Except the idea of Jamie and Edmund kissing made her completely lose whatever feeling she’d had before, and now she was fully present at the party again, with streamers and screams and people yelling and still kissing.  </p>
<p>Welcome to 1988, she thought to herself. The only thing she could think was that she wanted her 1989 kiss to be exactly like that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>                                                                                                                    ~~~~~<br/>

                                                                                                                    January, 1988</p>
<p>“Do you think everyone is going to get along?” Dani pulls at her skirt as she stands in her kitchen, getting ready for the night. Her and Jamie have decided to have dinner tonight, but unlike their usual two-person meal, they’ve elected to each bring along a friend. Owen, whom Jamie says Dani will “love” and always insists<br/>
“everyone falls in love with Owen.” Dani is bringing along Hannah, though Dani has told Jamie that unfortunately she doesn’t know anybody to match Jamie up with romantically. Hannah is just coming as a friend.</p>
<p>‘’S all right, I’ll have someone to talk to while you and Owen make googly eyes,” had been Jamie’s response. Dani had laughed it off. She wanted something to take her mind off of Edmund, and Jamie was a good friend for wanting to set her up. But she was pretty doubtful about how it was going to turn out.<br/>
Hannah came by Dani’s apartment so that the two could go to the restaurant together. Hannah wore a velvet dress, long and dark green and fitting snug against her body, and she looked elegant. Dani herself wore one of her pink sweaters and a pair of high-waisted jeans, though she had put a pair of earrings in to try to make her look slightly more dressy. As they walked, towards the restaurant-- which was only a fifteen minute walk from Dani’s apartment, and she loved walking (Hannah tolerated it). </p>
<p>Dani felt jittery about the idea of meeting Owen. She was excited, because she was infinitely curious about this one person who had managed to break into Jamie’s inner circle (besides herself, possibly), and also because Jamie was acting so strange about the possibility that she might maybe potentially perhaps be trying to set her up with him? Jamie had made it sound as if she wanted to introduce them because she felt Owen was a nice man to date, but Jamie also sounded like she was teasing the possibility of her liking Owen like it would be Dani falling into a stereotypical trap that tons of girls fell into and if she liked Owen too, she’d be just like all those other girls. Dani wasn’t sure what Jamie wanted to come from this dinner. But she was jittery. And she kept thinking about New Year's Eve, and their kiss. And wanting to both ignore it and talk about it with Jamie endlessly to figure out why that had meant more than anything Edmund had ever tried to do when he touched her. Hannah was talking to her while they walked, something about getting to meet new people in the city and “isn’t this the girl you ran into at the bookstore?” Dani gave minimal answers, deep in thought to try to determine how she was supposed to act when they arrived.</p>
<p>Owen and Jamie were already at the restaurant when they arrived.</p>
<p>“Poppins! Owen, this is Dani Clayton. Dani, this is Owen. Owen Sharma. Oh, and this is…?”</p>
<p>“Hello, pleasure to meet you. I’m Hannah Grose,” Hannah said, striding forward and putting out her hand. Owen reached out his own to shake it.</p>
<p>“The pleasure is all mine, Hannah. And Dani. It’s great to meet you both. Excellent, in fact.” He had a thick mustache and glasses that solidified his presence as calming and bookish. Dani was glad that he didn’t seem to have the same need as Edmund to be in charge of the conversation, and was perfectly comfortable sitting with three women at a table.</p>
<p>Jamie winked at Dani before saying, “So Dani’s tried some of your food, Owen. I’ve brought it to her. She loves the scones you made the other day.”</p>
<p>“That right? I’m honored.” They sit in silence for another moment while they all stare at each other.<br/>
Jamie pipes up again.</p>
<p>“Dani, Owen used to work as a chef for people that were so rich they practically shat out gold, and he used to cook for the kids all the time. So he knows things about children.”</p>
<p>“I am trained in both kiddie food and grown-up food, it’s true,” Owen says, with a nervous laugh. Dani nods but has no idea how to respond, given the strange set-up to their conversation.</p>
<p>“Do you find that children from privilege have different eating habits than middle class children?” Hannah suddenly asks, and when Dani looks over at her friend, she sees that her eyes are wide open and she is leaning forward, resting her chin in her palm while her elbow holds her above the table. Giving undivided, rapt attention to Owen Sharma.</p>
<p>“Surprisingly, no. I actually find that children want the same thing no matter the money. But often it’s the parents who don’t want their kids associated with the same type of food that might be served in a school lunch. The parents are the elitist ones. Kids want fish and chips, whether they’re in a mansion or an apartment, that much I’ve learned.” Hannah likes this answer it seems, because she giggles in a way Dani has never heard.</p>
<p>“I always assumed it would be that way.” She giggles again and smiles, a smile Dani can’t remember ever seeing. It’s a whole new Hannah. She glances at Jamie, who raises her eyebrows at Dani as if to say well this was an unexpected turn.</p>
<p>Dani finds Owen delightful, and Jamie thinks Hannah is pleasant, but it is clear within the first five minutes of the meal that the two who turned the dinner into a date did not include Dani as one of the participants. Hannah and Owen stared at one another as if they were the only ones at the table. Dani and Jamie didn’t really mind. Dani was relieved, honestly. She found Owen delightful but everything with Edmund was too fresh in her mind, and she really didn’t even see Owen in that way.</p>
<p>After the check came, Dani and Hannah had gone off to the bathroom before leaving. Jamie took the opportunity to check in with Owen.</p>
<p>“So… I see there might be a little chemistry there with Hannah, ey?” </p>
<p>“Jamie, really. What do you take me for, a flirt?”</p>
<p>“All I’m saying is, Dani is sensitive, so if you want to try to go for anything with Hannah, I’d wait until after the night is over. Maybe get her number discreetly, call her up later? And I’ll let Dani know, nice and easy.”</p>
<p>In the bathroom, Dani washed her hands in the sink next to Hannah’s. </p>
<p>“It looks like you really hit it off with Owen,” she mumbles.</p>
<p>“He’s a gentleman,” is Hannah’s only reply, though she can’t hide her smile.</p>
<p>“I’m happy for you, Hannah. I am. But… Jamie can be a little protective of him and she sort of was hoping it would be me, and I know it’s a better fit for you, but for Jamie’s sake… could you wait to talk to Owen until after tonight? I can get his number for you to call him.”</p>
<p>Dani and Hannah return to the table, the check is paid, and the four retreat to the outside. Owen begins to whistle for a cab, and Dani plans to wave goodbye to him before walking back to her apartment on her own. A cabby pulls up on the sidewalk in front of the foursome, and as he goes towards it, Hannah abruptly asks, “oh, a cab! Do you mind if we split one?”</p>
<p>“I definitely don’t mind, you’ve got a ticket to ride if there ever was one.” Hannah smiles again, that smile that Dani has never seen from her-- wider than Dani even knew she could. Owen puts a hand on Hannah’s back as they practically shoot forward and into the taxi, all smiles and giggles.</p>
<p>“Hannah doesn’t live in that direction,” Dani says almost to herself. Jamie smiles at the disappearing yellow taxi as it turns a corner.</p>
<p>“Well at least they’re taking it slow,” she jokes. “I’ll walk you home, then.” </p>
<p>The air outside is cool, and Dani is glad she isn’t wearing one of her dresses that would have exposed her knees to the cold. She likes New York when the weather is colder, because the sounds of people, cars, and the breeze mixed together is calming to her. She also hears the sound of Jamie’s boots thumping against the sidewalk in a slow sidle forward as they walk towards Dani’s apartment. </p>
<p>Dani feels happy for Hannah, and she truly likes Owen. But she still feels like it was a weird night, like it went in an unexpected direction somehow, even though she hadn’t truly expected to end the night going home with Jamie’s friend herself. Everything else aside, she was glad Jamie was with her now. Her and Jamie’s friendship seems to be the most steady thing she has, which even as thinks it, takes her by surprise.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. I Guess Emotions Are A Thing?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jamie and Dani start to intertwine their lives even more, but people and things keep popping up that remind them both of their pasts. They might need someone to lean on, and they know it's each other, but they're both clueless and don't really know how to admit what they're doing.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey :) Thanks for waiting a million years for a chapter update. I hope you like it!! If you have any questions/comments/concerns/suggestions/anything feel free to let me know. I'm absolutely awkward and not sure what I'm doing but I appreciate anything and really like the encouragement that some have been sweet enough to give. I'm still getting into the groove of this "writing" thing.<br/>Note: There is a funeral scene in here, in case that is sensitive to anyone.<br/>ENJOY!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>March 1988</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani pulls on a sweater over her t-shirt and skirt, touching the window to feel how cold it is outside. Cold. Her and Jamie have started to make a habit of going to the movies to see the newest blockbusters almost every Saturday afternoon, then going to dinner afterwards to complain about the movie. They also go to dinner during the week, and oftentimes Dani will help her with whatever Jamie has going on for work on Sundays if she has nothing else pressing to do. Sometimes on weekends they also walk through the park if there’s no movies to watch, or if they don’t feel like getting dinner right after. This time they have a movie to see, but it’s been so snowy out the past few weeks that Dani has begged Jamie to let them go to the park and make a snowman after the movie. Jamie had rolled her eyes, but she agreed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani grabs her coat, puts on her scarf and hat, and grabs two pairs of gloves. She has a suspicion that Jamie will forget gloves. Before she leaves she grabs a second hat, too… just in case.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they go to the movies, Dani always buys herself a box of Sno Caps, and Jamie always gets a tub of large popcorn. A few months after they started this routine, Jamie started to notice that when Dani would get a handful of popcorn, she would drop a few Sno Caps into her hand before popping it in her mouth altogether.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That taste good?” she whispered, curious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Chocolate and popcorn? It’s heaven.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t hog it all, Poppins. Let me have a go.” Dani smiles and dumps little chocolates into Jamie’s hand. Jamie hesitantly takes some popcorn and puts them together in her mouth, waits a moment as she chews, before giving her reaction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bloody brilliant. Better than Owen’s desserts, even.” From then on, Dani dumps the Sno Caps into the popcorn once they sit down, and Jamie gives the tub a light shake to evenly spread out the tiny chocolates.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time, they do this routine, and watch the movie. It’s a comedy, but Jamie seems very stoic throughout the movie. As soon as it’s over and they start walking towards the park, Dani pushes herself to ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What were you thinking about? During the movie. You seemed… somewhere else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s Owen’s mum,” she says, which surprises Dani. “She’s not doing too well, and he’s pretty upset about it. She’s a really sweet woman, that one. Must be, to have raised a son like Owen. He’s really concerned about her. Forgetting more and more. She doesn’t even recognize her own son half the time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow, I… I didn’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s really hard is that this morning Owen called me up. Said that when the day comes, he wants the flower arrangements to be done by me.  Never had a job feel so… personal. Y’know?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can help. When the time comes. Be there for Owen, for his family. Hannah too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie smiles. “Yeah?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… that snow man isn’t going to build itself. Frosty can’t come alive without the magic of children. Or… us, I guess.” They’ve reached the park. Nearby are children and their parents running down hills in sleds, having snowball fights. A nearby family is building a large snow house. Jamie doesn’t give them a second glance and starts pushing a tiny ball of snow along the ground to create a bigger and bigger ball or the body of the snowman. Dani does a double take.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my goodness… it’s my friend Charlotte. I used to watch her kids for her sometimes…” Before she can finish explaining it to Jamie, the little girl packing together a wall for the snow house seems to notice Dani and Jamie and squeals, throwing down her snow and running (a bit like a penguin with her fluffy snow gear on) all the way to Dani.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Miss Clayton! Miss Clayton! Hello! Do you want to see our fort?” without waiting for an answer, she puts her mitten-covered hand into Dani’s hand and pulls her over. “Mummy I found Miss Clayton! We haven’t seen her in </span>
  <em>
    <span>ages.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She turns back to Dani. “I’ll show you our fort. It’s a mansion. Miles is working on building the roof. I am carving out pretty flowers on the insides. It’s going to be perfectly splendid.” The snow building looks absolutely nothing like a mansion or a fort-- more like a smattering of snow piles pushed together, some curving upwards a bit and always uneven, but Dani used her imagination to picture it how the children did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It looks amazing!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. Wait till you see it finished!” She squeals again and then picks up a nearby stick and begins to continue carving little flowers on the side of the snow mounds. Charlotte comes over to Dani then, shaking her head at her as if to say “I’m sorry my child has no social inhibitions.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’ve you been, Danielle? Long time, I’m so sorry we haven’t been able to catch up recently. I’m so sorry to hear about you and Edmund.” At that moment Jamie finally catches up and comes to stand next to Dani. She raises her eyebrows at the name “Danielle” but makes no comment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s okay. It was for the best. I’ve actually been doing great. Really great.” She turns to see Jamie standing next to her awkwardly. “This is my friend Jamie Taylor. Jamie, this is Charlotte Wingrave. We’ve been friends for years. I used to watch her kids whenever she’d have errands or on school holidays.” Jamie extends her hand, and the two shake. Dani feels her worlds colliding just a bit, like when she introduced Hannah to Jamie and Owen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pleasure, Jamie. Are you another teacher from the school?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope. Work in plants, actually. Dani and I know each other from… um.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We met back in England after I worked as an au pair. Stayed in touch.” Not necessarily the truth, but it was so much easier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Miss Clayton, do you and your friend want to help us? We could use some nimble fingers for the carving.” Miles asked so politely and sweetly that didn’t even have to give Jamie puppy dog eyes before she agreed of her own accord. So they spent the afternoon with the two Wingrave children, building up an entire snow castle that to passersby was definitely just a large lumpy mound of snow, but to the four of them, it was perfectly splendid. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>April 1988</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the phone rings at 6:30am on a Sunday, so Dani knows there’s only one person it could possibly be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Poppins.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Owen’s mum died last night. In her sleep.” All of Dani’s sleepiness bolts away and she sits upright in bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh no… poor Owen.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you still want to help me get ready for the funeral? I’ve already been tapped in for it. Gotta be the supportive friend and the florist now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. Definitely. How can I help?” As she speaks, she gets up and twists so that she can walk over to her desk without tripping over the phone cord, and grabs her planner. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gonna need to do a check of what flowers we have, what Owen envisions having for the flower arrangements. Also want to make sure we have some flowers to give to the mourners. Owen and the like. Having the extra hand would make it so much faster. And then if you want to… you can come to the funeral with me. But totally optional. Funerals aren’t really everyone’s cup of tea.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll… get back to you on that last bit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen’s mother’s funeral is planned for Wednesday. Dani takes the day off on Wednesday, figuring she’s barely used her vacation days and the kids like having substitute teachers every once in awhile anyway. Dani meets Jamie at Owen’s later on that Sunday afternoon. He looks completely devastated and outside himself, sitting on the couch that for so many years he shared with his mother. Dani kept noticing he’d glance over at the other side of the loveseat every few moments, and she imagined that that was where his mother used to sit. There was no impression of her on the cushion, but Dani could imagine that Owen saw one anyway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen explains he really wanted pink flowers at the funeral, because pink had been his mother’s favorite color, and his parents had had pink flowers at their wedding over thirty years ago. He didn’t care what type of flower, he just wanted pink. Hannah is over as well, cooking in Owen’s kitchen. She mentions to Dani that she’s making all of Owen’s favorite meals to make sure his fridge is well stocked for the week. Dani straightens things up and decides that whenever she has any free time between work and helping Jamie, she’ll pop over to make sure the garbage is taken out, the laundry is done, and Owen is okay. Over the past few months she’s really grown to love Owen for the goofy, gentle soul he is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie took her job as the Friend-Slash-Florist very seriously, and was evidently trying to balance the two as much as possible.She had brought a yellow legal pad with her to write down the details for the flower arrangements and was writing down what Owen said, but was also taking the time to comfort him and let him take his time. Not that Jamie wasn’t usually sympathetic and understanding, but Dani had seen her with other clients who didn’t double as lifelong friends, and she didn’t look nearly as heartbroken. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stayed for dinner to keep Owen company, eating the meal that Hannah had prepared. Dani hadn’t even realized how well Hannah could cook… though she assumed Owen had taught her a thing or two, perhaps, since they’d started dating. After the meal was over, they drank in front of the fireplace, letting Owen ramble on about memories of his mother. Dani remained mostly quiet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they left, Jamie had insisted on walking Dani home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Jamie commented. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just… not used to facing death so head-on, I guess. Owen and everyone being so open about it. Back home we would just ignore those types of things, pretend it was okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yikes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think what I’m beginning to realize is that back home we just pushed down every single feeling except complacency.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… get ready for lots of emotions. Weddings are one thing, everyone is happy. Happy tears, happy emotions. Happy jitters. Funerals are a different beast. At 4:30pm tomorrow I’ll have all the flowers if you want to stop by to help me get them ready.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You got it, Jamie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Dani walks in, she sees at least half a dozen different types of pink flowers scattered in large piles on various tables. Jamie has a boombox in the back of the room blasting out rock music as she hums to herself, working on a different project for some other customer. When she hears the bell on the door announce Dani’s presence, she goes straight over to a drawer in the corner of the room, pulls it open, and takes out a roll of pink ribbon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to take two of each type of flower and tie them together with a clear rubber band, then you can tie pretty little pink bows around each one. These are going to line the funeral hall, and then they’ll go to the grave site in case people want to put them on the coffin. Also extras for Owen’s apartment.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two set to work, going at such a fast yet calming rhythm that Dani wonders what it would be like to be here all day, alongside Jamie, working as a team. Once they finish, they head over to Owen’s. Jamie had picked up pints of ice cream, and Owen plays old music on his record player from his mom’s personal collection, for Dani, Jamie and Hannah to hear for the first time. “She remembered these songs near the end more than she remembered me,” he said softly at one point, to nobody in particular. Nobody spoke much, but he seemed to need their presence. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next morning, Jamie felt a little anxious. She wanted to be a good friend to Owen, and not go into complete business mode at the funeral, talking with the director, subtly leaving her card on any convenient tables or open purses. Dani showed up to help her get the flowers onto the truck, then they brought them over to the funeral home together. Dani was wearing the same black dress she’d worn to the wedding that she’d helped Jamie with.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That your uniform?” Jamie had joked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The funeral director lets them in to set up the room before the guests arrive. Owen shows up shortly after them and sets up a few pictures and a poster board of events from his mother’s life (in which he is heavily featured, as well as another mustachioed man in older photos who looks strikingly like Owen but with a shorter hair cut, whom Dani assumes is Owen’s father). Dani takes over setting up the vases of flowers while Jamie spends some time being more attentive to Owen. It’s a good thing, too, because Dani is highly aware of the coffin in the room. Jamie notices her getting jittery and excuses herself from Owen to pull Dani into the hallway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you feel?” Dani bites her lip and looks down, which makes some of her hair fall in front of her face and hides her expression. “Dani, you don’t have to stay for the funeral part if you don’t want to. It’s okay.” Dani doesn’t move. “I don’t need you to be my date to Owen’s mum’s funeral.” Dani looks up at Jamie and giggles. Jamie grabs her hand and squeezes it. “I’ve got it from here. Hannah can help me gather up the vases later. Go on home. Take the rest of the day off. You deserve it. I can call you later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sure?” She’s not quite ready to explain her connection to funerals, but she also has the sense that she doesn’t even have to explain to Jamie. Jamie understands without having to know why. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Jamie feels Dani’s body relax, and without a moment of hesitation, Jamie pulls her into a hug, just to hold onto her for a moment, reminding her that it’s okay. Remembering herself that emotions are okay. Dani is helping to remind her all about emotions, which even though she would never admit it, she hadn’t just not wanted to feel them, but she’d been afraid to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the day goes by smoothly, and Hannah does in fact help. Owen tears up but gives an excellent speech in honor of his mother. Hannah confides in Jamie that she, too, has trouble with funerals, but felt somehow okay so far. When they got to the graveyard, however, Hannah had to step away. Something about the gravestones. Jamie feels pride watching the various family members and friends putting the bouquets on top of the coffin, topped last by Owen himself, who then kisses the top.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After it’s all over, Jamie goes home for the day, wondering if Dani is okay. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>June 1988</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you think?” Dani asks, holding up a sign that says “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Snaccidents Happen</span>
  </em>
  <span>” in pretty script on a piece of painted wood. “For their kitchen?” Jamie looks at it and scoffs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“D’you really think Hannah would appreciate us entertaining Owen’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>habit</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Dani looks at the sign again, thinking, and bites her lip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to find something that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hannah</span>
  </em>
  <span> would like. Owen will like it if Hannah likes it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think Owen would love this in his kitchen. I can even picture him saying it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I can picture Hannah rolling her eyes every single time. We’re moving on. No puns.” Dani pouts for a moment but moves on quickly. Hannah and Owen had announced to them recently that they were planning on moving in together, and Dani and Jamie had figured they might as well get them a gift together, to save on cost. “Plus,” Jamie had said, “we already gave them the gift of each other. What else could we possibly give them?” Dani dragged Jamie around to every single store in Manhattan to try to find something fitting for a housewarming gift. Jamie was not understanding why they couldn’t just give them a spider plant. The things last forever and are hard to kill. Plus everyone could use a little greenery to spruce up a city apartment, right? But Dani had insisted on getting at least one small thing that they could box up and hand as a gift. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani picks up more items for Jamie’s approval-- a “Live Laugh Love” pillow (“absolutely not”), a “Bless Our Home” tapestry (“you’re kiddin’ me right?”), a seashell lamp (“I do not do ocean themed decor, Dani”).  They were still wandering around the store when Jamie saw a karaoke machine, complete with two microphones hooked up to the side. “TRY ME” was written on a little tag hanging off a wire with a string. Jamie had done karaoke before at bars. She found this to be the most amusing thing they’d seen all day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about this, eh?” She picks up a microphone and holds it out to Dani. “Why don’t you sing us a song.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, that’s okay…” Dani looks to her left and right somewhat awkwardly, as if the idea of singing in a store was more embarrassing than, say, faking an orgasm in a deli. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine. More for me then.” Jamie pushes the button to turn on the machine, and starts to click through the various song options. She sees a Blondie song she knows most of the words to and presses </span>
  <em>
    <span>play.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She begins to sing her heart out, loud and proud. Dani tries to look at the floor, at the ceiling, at the seashell lamp still awkwardly in her hand. But Jamie is persistent. She likes to taunt Dani. She dances around singing and smiling, holding out her hand to show to fellow shoppers that she is not only singing to Dani, but that they 100% absolutely know each other. Jamie picks up the second microphone and keeps nudging Dani until, smiling, Dani takes the second microphone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie has a sweet voice, which goes well with the music and with the smile on her face. Dani, meanwhile, absolutely does not hit any of the right notes, but sings with just as much passion as she looks only at Jamie. The two are laughing and smiling while their voices blend absolutely discordantly. Jamie then looks forward for a moment, looks into the distance, and suddenly stops singing. Dani’s voice rings out alone, the off-key scream-singing echoing through the microphone as a backdrop to Jamie’s face turning pale. Dani notices and her own face morphs from elation to worry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie nods her chin forward as a way of pointing, and Dani follows her gaze to see two women, one with long brunette hair and another with shorter almost black hair,  standing nearby holding shopping bags and pushing a cart, and staring back at them with curiosity. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s my ex. And my accountant.” As if realizing they’ve been noticing, the two women begin to approach Dani and Jamie. Jamie immediately tenses up, and Dani can almost see the invisible wall going back up to protect Jamie from emitting any emotion towards them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, James. How’s it going?” The brunette woman-- the ex-girlfriend, but Dani’s guesstimation-- says to Jamie, with a bit of a smirk. “And who’s this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani. Dani Clayton. Hi. Nice to see you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Great to meet you, Dani. I’m-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Glad to see you’re doing well. Enjoy tax season.” Without waiting for the next response, Jamie puts down the microphone and exits the store. Dani is left for a moment staring at these two women who have caused so much hurt in Jamie, and is paralyzed. She feels her fists tighten themselves around her thumbs and she bites in her lip before being able to gather herself enough to regain control of her body.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nice to uh… nice to meet you too.” She then rushes out to find Jamie, which proves to not be too difficult. She is pacing back and forth outside muttering a rainbow of curse words, some of which Dani has never heard before. She doesn’t even appear to see that Dani is now outside too, or that she’s slightly scaring the passersby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jamie… Jamie. Jamie, I get it. That was probably so hard for you. But it’s okay. Honestly. You’re doing great, you’re successful.  And anyway, her opinion doesn’t define you. But honestly, as the one person outside of that whole situation… you clearly looked like the real winner.” Jamie stops pacing and turns to look at Dani, breathing heavily as tries to get herself to calm down whilst a small smale starts to creep up on the side of her mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Especially when I ran out of there like a child, yeah?” Dani starts to smile back, thinking Jamie is relaxing again, but the moment is short lived. Jamie seems to have a sudden thought and it propels her back into a state of anger.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“UGH! She walks in all respectable with her NEW GIRLFRIEND, and I’m singing into a bloody karaoke machine. Like a fuckin’ idiot. The nerve of her. To be so proud walking around like that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jamie… it’s--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you so calm all the time?” Dani is taken aback by the sudden question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I-- what do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You. Calm, all the time. How do you do it? You never get mad, never get upset, never have meltdowns. You lost Edmund, too. My relationship ends, I’m a wreck and sometimes feel like I’m irreparable. You seem totally fine. Like it never happened. Like everything is dandy for you. How?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just a permanent fuck up. Dani, this is why people should never be trusted. At least for me. I let them in and then this happens. I’m sick of it. I just don’t understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani grabs onto her hand and holds it with both of hers, looking at her with concern and sympathy but saying nothing. She senses that there really is nothing she can say. A minute or two passes while Jamie lets her breathing go back to normal, and she begins to look more composed. She starts to walk forward, keeping Dani’s hand clutched inside her own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We forgot to get a gift.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next afternoon, Dani knocks on the door of Owen and Hannah’s first official joint apartment. Owen opens the door, wearing dirty jeans and a paint-covered t-shirt and holding a broom. Hannah is wearing overalls also covered in clues to their home makeover journey. Owens gestures to the inside of the still-half-empty apartment with his arm that holds the broom, grandly stating, “Home sweep home!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hannah rolls her eyes. “I’m still accepting that by moving in with Owen I also move in with his puns.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Told you the sign would’ve been bad,” Jamie whispers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani ignores her. “Here, we brought you a house warming gift!” She reaches into her bag and pulls out a tiny spider plant in a special ceramic pot dotted with rhinestones. Dani had taken a pottery class a few years ago and the pot had been sitting on a shelf collecting dust for awhile and figured this was the perfect time to repurpose it. Hannah gushed at the pot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is so lovely! Thank you so much!” She hugged Dani, and went to hug Jamie but had to look around the room to find her. Dani follows Hannah’s eyes, to see Jamie staring off into space looking solemn. Dani immediately recognizes she’s still thinking about their run-in at the store.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So I wanted to ask you lot about something,” Owen says as he pours everyone a glass of wine and motions for everyone to come sit on the couch. “I have a little framed sign that I want to put in the bathroom, and Hannah is putting a strict veto on it. Since you two are our best friends, we figure who else to settle the dispute?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’re involving them in this ridiculous disagreement. I love you and I love your cooking and your humor and MOST of your design ideas, but this is absolutely unfathomably a no.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen winks at Hannah and then focuses his attention to their guests. “Dani, Jamie. I present you the bathroom sign in question.” He quickly gets up and grabs a large photo frame and turns it around to face Dani and Jamie. “YOU’RE MY KIND OF PEE-PLE” it says in big block brown letters, while a drawing of a toilet with a smiling face on it giving a thumbs up. “Isn’t this an absolute </span>
  <em>
    <span>must</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to have to agree with Hannah… I’ve got to say no. It’s funny but a little… yuck.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See now there’s a friend,” Hannah laughs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jamie, my girl. Jamie.” Owen pleads with with his friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie chuckles. “A little bathroom humor never hurt anyone. It’s not like the Queen of England is makin’ her rounds anytime soon.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Finally,</span>
  </em>
  <span> an ally!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re still evenly matched,Mr. Sharma.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well then we’ll just have to make a third friend, then, won’t we?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani is smiling at the banter between the two, but gets distracted when she notices Jamie staring off into space again, her brow creased and creating a tiny wrinkle on the top of her nose.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about I hang it there in the interim while we wait for that third friend,” Owen asked Hannah, wiggling the frame in front of her like a taunt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The only place I want that thing hanging is upside down in the bin.” She playfully pushes it away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a LITTLE funny, though, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Owen, I--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“FUCK, you guys think you can live together and you can’t even decide on bathroom decoration? Owen, the thing is atrocious, nobody should have anything like that hanging in their house. It’s funny but it’s crude. You’re not a teenage boy, you’re an adult man. This isn’t your bachelor pad. Give it up. You finally find someone to be with and you spend this long bickering over ...something so… </span>
  <em>
    <span>STUPID.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone in the room is stunned silent and staring at Jamie, who has clearly been working herself up in the corner, mostly checked-out from the conversation in the room. Dani immediately rushes to her from across the room, half-whispering to Jamie and half-talking to the others in the room. “This isn’t like you, Jamie. I get it. But this isn’t like the relationships you know. You know that.” Jamie pushes her off, shocking Dani, and practically spits her next words out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t know either. I liked my life how it was. Everything is… everything is fucked.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Across the room, Owen tries to lighten the situation. “I thought you liked my bathroom sign.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was doing it as a friend to be on your team. But what’s the point, right?” She slams down her glass, frazzled, and rushes out of the room. Dani stares back at Hannah and Owen alone, realizing this is the second time in twenty-four hours that this has happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll… go see to her. You know that isn’t like Jamie. I’m so sorry. We ran into her ex-girlfriend yesterday.” Hannah nods, understanding, and Owen nods as well with a look in his eyes that almost makes Dani want to cry. He’s known Jamie himself for years and probably can imagine exactly what brought this on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Dani reaches the outside of the apartment building, Jamie isn’t pacing. She’s sitting on the curb with her head in her hands, knuckles white as they clutch her own skull as if to squeeze the thoughts right out of her head. Carefully and making sure to make enough noise that Jamie recognizes her presence, Dani eases herself down onto the curb next to her and puts her envelopes Jamie in a sort of hug. She feels Jamie tense up for a moment before she accepts the embrace, relaxing her body into Dani. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you do it?” Jamie whispers. “Really. Didn’t losing Edmund hurt? All that time, all that effort. Partnership. Gone.” Dani considers this-- genuinely considers this. She has avoided thinking about everything too consciously, instead choosing to push it into the back of her mind and far away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… don’t know. It’s like, we had our whole lives planned and it was just supposed to be this certain way. But I just… never fell into that plan. I never really wanted to stay on that path like how Edmund was. He was so committed to it. He never strayed. I felt like I had to work so hard to stay on the path, stay within the plan. And I realized that the whole entire relationship was just… placeholders. Like a cookie-cutter life. I felt like a Barbie doll playing a part. I had the life, the job, the Ken, the clothes. But it all felt so… plastic. Fake.” Jamie lifts her head up and her and Dani’s faces are within inches of each other. Dani sees streaks of tears across Jamie’s face, angry tears certainly. Thinking about the life she could have had with her ex-girlfriend, how painful it must be for Jamie to see Hannah and Owen moving forward in life when Jamie has felt so halted and pulled in reverse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you want it to be?” Dani realizes for a second that she has captured Jamie’s full attention, and wonders if part of Jamie’s upset is related to her. Comparing herself to how Dani has reacted post-break up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I feel like me and Edmund just sort of felt like we were doing what we were supposed to do. Knew each other growing up, ended up in the same place as adults. But it was like going through the motions. It didn’t feel like love. I do miss having a person, but Edmund really could never truly be that person. Just the placeholder. The plastic version. If that makes any sense.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s never said any of these things out loud, or even truly allowed herself to think them. Her heart is beating faster than she thought possibly and it makes it harder to breathe. Jamie doesn’t feel plastic. Jamie feels more real than anything in her life before this point. Jamie makes her feel real too. She doesn’t feel like a Barbie doll going through the motions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish I didn’t need a person,” Jamie mumbles so softly that Dani knows it weighs heavily on her, maybe even scares her to say out, and looks down at her shoes. Some of her loose brown curls swish across Dani’s face, and Dani smells lavender shampoo. The thoughts suddenly coming to the forefront of her brain, mixed with what Jamie just said, made her feel very heavy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It isn’t that I don’t need a person. It’s just… having Edmund felt like I got to feel what it might be like to have one, but that he wasn’t it. He was like hugging a pillow when what you really want is to hug someone you love. Pillows are great, but it’s not the same. I’m sad I lost him but I don’t miss that plan, that life we were supposed to be on the path for.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jamie is silent. She looks up at Dani again, right into her eyes, for a moment. As if really seeing her for the first time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t even know what I thought was happening. I think I wanted the plastic life. But then it got pulled out from under me and now I’m left having to be aware of maybe wanting something real too. Not plastic. But when you have the Barbie and the Dreamhouse and the clothes… it’s easier to not think about how much you don’t have.” Dani nods. She feels in that moment that this is a conversation she won’t soon ever forget. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Abruptly, Jamie pulls away from her, stands up, and starts wiping off the back of her pants from where she sat on the curb. “I think I gotta go. Please tell Hannah and Owen I’m so, so sorry. I just… it’s hard. It hurts, to see what could’ve been. What I’ve avoided. What maybe… I do want someday.” A pause. “Next time can we go back to me having to cheer you up and you being the one on the verge of a breakdown?” Her eyes dart back and forth and she runs her hand through her hair, laughing nervously as if replaying everything, and Dani feels her heart surge for her in a way she’s unfamiliar with. Jamie is usually the composed one of the two, but in the past few days she’s seen Jamie transform. Her tough exterior breaking down, piece by piece.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can take turns.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:) I am REALLY going to try to update sooner next time... you guys rock. And by "you guys" I mean anyone who reads this or anyone who just likes the fandom or scrolls past or even scrolls to the bottom. I just like everyone. Have an awesome day/week/however long until I update again... lol.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>